The kindergarten started, and the child entered the campus and entered the first small society in his life.
This morning, there were groups of children in the classroom, and the first few had already mingled. They were all busy studying new toys, and laughter filled the classroom.
A boy was late, and he was shy and just walked into the classroom, and no one noticed his appearance. Introverted, he was a little at a loss, so he hid by the door of the classroom and looked around secretly.
After watching for a long time, finally, I finally summoned up the courage to walk in pretending to be no one else, and timidly came to the middle of the children, trying to find an empty seat to sit down.
However, just as he sat down carefully, he was pushed and “expelled” by a strong boy next door: “ (This seat) is someone, someone, get out!” He was a little frightened on the spot and didn’t know what to do.
There was no child to help him out of the siege, and he was alone and lowered his head, not knowing what to do at the moment, so he could only bite the bullet and sit still, the atmosphere was extremely embarrassing.
At this time, the “original owner” of the seat came back, and everyone gathered around the boy to accuse him. Guilt and embarrassment, he felt like he was sitting on pins and needles. In the end, he couldn’t bear the pressure and had to walk away silently.
Seeing the other children in the classroom having fun, the boy wandering alone, lonely and helpless, finally couldn’t help crying:
“I miss Grandma!”
This little boy who does not fit into the collective is called Xu Jiarun.
The lonely back and full of grievances make many parents feel distressed when watching the film.
These scenes are the real scenes secretly filmed in the first domestic children’s behavior deciphering documentary “The Secret Life of Children”. In the film, the 4-5-year-old children’s life in kindergarten for a week shows us the natural and “cruel” social interaction of children.
“It’s as if I saw my shy baby.” Some parents said.
Introverted children are bitter in their hearts, but can’t say what they say
Like Xu Jiarun, there are not a few small transparent people who are out of place in the collective. Compared with other “social cow” children, they are shy and timid, and the situation is often more difficult when they first arrive in a new environment.
It’s not that they don’t want to fit in, it’s that they don’t know how to take the first steps toward socializing.
It’s like seeing Xu Jiarun who wanted to join but didn’t dare to speak when everyone was playing a game. He was playing the seesaw alone, but his little eyes glanced at the place where everyone was playing from time to time, and his eyes were full of envy and yearning.
When everyone was playing spinning, he mustered up his courage and wanted to try to join in, but he accidentally fell when he just started running, and he threw himself out fiercely. It’s a pity that none of the children who were immersed in the game noticed him.
Compared with the pain of wrestling, Jia Run’s inner pain made him more sad.
No one likes to be left out in the group, but there are always children who are “excluded”. Simple children do not have bad intentions, but they are also very realistic about their likes and dislikes.
When the teacher asked, “Do you like Xu Jiarun?” The answers given by the children were all negative.
The reason for not liking it is: “He keeps crying.”
But what is even more distressing is when the teacher asked Xu Jiarun: “Do you think other people like you?”
Xu Jiarun was silent, but with red eyes, pursed his lips and shook his head vigorously.
This “self-knowledge” comes from inner grievances, but also from self-disapproval. Introverted children feel so wronged, how many words are left unspoken.
There is a reason behind the child’s incompatibility
Through the camera, Shen Yinjing, a child behavior research expert who watched the whole process, explained:
This phenomenon of playing alone and not daring to participate in peer activities is called “ behavioral inhibition ” and is a manifestation of social withdrawal. Because of the lack of sense of security, I am cautious, have an observant and vigilant attitude towards the new environment, and dare not express myself in front of unfamiliar people.
Whether it is being silent in the crowd, hiding behind her mother and snuggling tightly, standing on the sidelines of the playground quietly watching, or being nervous and forgetting words in class, this seemingly “unpromising” cry loves, seems courageous Small withdrawals, seemingly shy and afraid to express themselves, in fact, behind them are the double secrets of character and parenting.
1. Excessive family protection and lack of social experience
Jia Run was brought up by her grandmother and grandfather. “Good”, “slow heat” and “playing at home every day” are the comments of the two old people on him.
The protection of elders is more “comprehensive”, so he has little experience in dealing with children of the same age. Occasionally take him to the playground and let him play with other friends of the same age, he will be nervous and withdrawn, not confident enough, muttering “I can’t” and “I can’t go”.
Too little social experience and too elaborate parenting make Jiarun lack the courage to deal with people, and cannot find a social way to integrate into the group. Whenever there is a problem, I want to retreat to a “safe haven” to seek refuge.
But this kind of “timid” and “crying nose” behavior will make his companions look at him with tinted glasses unconsciously, and do not want to play with him. After going back and forth, the situation of the “social fear” baby is even more difficult.
2. Character dictates that children are slow and warm and like to be alone
In addition to family relationships, some children are born with character.
Developmental psychology expert Jerome Kegan said in his book “The Spark of Humanity: The Science of Human Development”: Babies are born with their own unique traits that will affect their future personalities. [1]
Image source: Tencent Video
As early as the 1990s, Jens Asendorpf proposed different subcategories of sociable and socially withdrawn children (Asendorpf, 1990) .
According to Asendoff, shy individuals experience a constant tug-of-war between emotions and thoughts.
They seem to have two little people inside, one representing the desire to interact with their peers (a high level of motivation to “go to” social interaction) and the other to represent the tension caused by the interaction (a high level of “avoidance” social interaction) motive) . This inherent conflict-avoidance struggle makes socially withdrawn children feel the pain of “wanting to play together” but being afraid and anxious all the time. [2]
Most of this personality trait is innate.
Moreover, the study also found that most of the parents of introverted children also have a “social fear” mentality and do not like to socialize. And this lack of interaction with people in the growing environment makes the children’s social fear genes inherited from their parents, and they learn to avoid social behavior in their parents’ words and deeds.
Congenital and acquired influences make these children more introverted, slow-burning, and unable to communicate as easily as others.
Breaking the ice, ‘misfit’ kids
can also be outstanding
Is it possible that the “unsocial” social fear baby can only linger outside the group? of course not. Let’s look back at how Xu Jiarun integrated into the collective later.
On this day, the teachers had a little challenge: ask the children to take out their name tags from the big box. But, to my horror, there were actually two live, squirming octopuses in the box!
The squishy, slimy creature made the children scream and back away. Even the “Bold King” Qiu Hao, who was not afraid of the sky and earth on weekdays in the whole class, disarmed and surrendered, expressing his inability to do anything.
However, at this time, Xu Jiarun, a well-known “coward”, took a few deep breaths and encouraged himself, but he came forward and volunteered to the podium. Resisting his fear, he took out all the children’s name cards from the box.
The brave move made the audience boil, and the enthusiastic cheers and cheers came one after another.
In the end, Xu Jiarun not only won gifts for the children in the audience with his bravery, but also made the children admire this “creeper” with admiration! The “air bag” that was originally excluded has now become a superman in everyone’s eyes.
Later, when the teacher interviewed everyone again about their impressions of Xu Jiarun, everyone changed from shaking their heads and frowning to giving thumbs up.
The child’s innocence is so simple, and a brave act of helping others is enough to change their view of Jiarun, and they all expressed their willingness to be friends with him.
The success of this bold challenge not only allowed Jiarun to gain the recognition of his classmates, but also gave him self-confidence and courage.
Let’s look at Xu Jiarun’s later story, look at his high-spirited stand on the stage, an amazing typhoon, who would say that this child is a coward!
It can be seen that children with slow heat are not cowardly, they just need more time and patience than others.
More understanding, less anxiety
He Jie , a doctor of child psychology, said after observing He Jiarun’s performance and changes in “The Mysterious Life of Children” that parents of such children should also pay attention to: exercise their language skills and let him learn how to express his thoughts. Give your child enough support and encourage them to be friends with more easy-going peers.
A child tracking study of an introverted child in Australia shows that if the surrounding adults give warm support, but push such children to socialize early and give them time and space , then children who are shy in childhood will actually have good social skills in adolescence , and no longer anxiety and depression. [3]
But if parents push the child to socialize aggressively in a way that makes the child feel self-blame and anxiety, the child’s degree of withdrawal will become higher and higher.
When a child encounters a social problem, anxious parents should control the hand they want to help, close the mouth they want to teach, and give the child more opportunities to deal with and solve social problems on their own.
Compared with rushing to the front to “help” and “promise each other”, establishing a secure attachment relationship, and teaching children how to solve social difficulties, they will make children more confident and more courageous .
Friend or Foe: The Love and Pain of Children’s Socialization: “If your child lacks the ability to negotiate with his own social group, you’ll want to give him that skill, but you can’t do it. . We cannot intervene or do it for you, because your child must learn to be self-reliant. ” [4]
Be your child’s scaffolding and support when you need it, not the umbrella that keeps him from growing.
Some seeds germinate and bloom more slowly, it just takes them more time and waiting.
Just be patient with them!
Editor丨Antelope, human cub observer.
Image source丨
The title picture and unmarked pictures in the text are from the documentary “The Secret Life of Children”
References丨
[1 ] “The Spark of Humanity: The Science of Human Development”, (US) Jerome Kagan, published by Machinery Industry Press, March 2015 [2] “Shy Children in Schools: For Educators Guide, (Canada) Robert Coplan, Shanghai Education Press, May 2020 [3] Obradovic, J., Portilla, XA, & Ballard, PJ (2016). Biological sensitivity to family income: Differential effects on early executive functioning. Child Development, 87, 374–384. [4] “Friend or Foe: The Love and Pain of Children’s Socialism” (US) Michael Thompson, Catherine O’Neill Gray, CITIC Press, 2018 07 moon
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