In this age of mass awakening, we often hear “we need to explore ourselves and understand ourselves”. But suppose we rudely divide people into three categories: those who think they don’t need to find themselves (or those who don’t know the importance of “finding themselves”), those who are searching for themselves, and those who have found themselves. Humanoid is the majority, the second is the minority, and the third is the minority of the minority.
This actually corresponds to the three stages of our self-knowledge.
The first stage is that we need to wake up and realize the importance of exploring ourselves.
Why is self-discovery important to everyone?
Humans are animals driven by meaning, and we are born with the urge to realize our own value. But everyone’s values and advantages are different. What is my personality like? What do I want to do? What is most important to me? What is my future direction? What kind of life do I want to live? Where is my value realization? If these questions are not answered, it is a pity that it is very easy to be busy in a short life and just follow the flow.
Xiang Biao said in “Taking Yourself as a Method”:
(The problem of the bottleneck) is going back to being a fringe, back to who I am. Figure out what exactly I can do and what my relationship to the world is. I think all the people in the world have this problem, they have to figure out who they are, or they will have this kind of crisis, unless they are completely blindly caught up in the mainstream.
When we realize the need to explore the self, we also need methods, and this comes to the second stage – start to search for the self. But I feel like a lot of people don’t have a clue about how to explore themselves.
The difficulty is that the “self” is very complex. The reason why we are what we are today is influenced by various factors such as childhood experiences, social media, friends and relatives, national culture, etc. Most of these influences are in It has become a part of us without knowing it, so the self is extremely complex both horizontally (the complexity of various factors) and vertically (the complexity of the process of character and value formation).
But fortunately, through various channels and self-evidence in the past few years, I have accumulated some useful and executable methods, which I would like to share with you here.
read more books
What is the use of reading? Learning knowledge is definitely one of the benefits, but you may forget it after reading it; it is also true to expand your horizons, but it is still a little worse if you don’t experience it yourself.
What is the greatest use? I think, is to read yourself .
In Reasons to Live, Matt Haigh says:
Every time I read a good book, I feel like I’m looking at a treasure map, and that treasure is myself. But every map is incomplete, and I can only find treasure by reading the entire book, so the process of finding my best self is an endless expedition.
Why are you reading books written by others when you are reading yourself? Through a good book, the author can hide our daily thoughts in the depths of our thinking, or the fleeting thoughts in our daily life, and put them in front of us in accurate and clear language: I thought so at that time. Yes, it turned out that I chose to do so, and the reason why I can become who I am today is because of this reason.
However, there are no two people alike in the world, so reading one book is not enough. A book can only represent a corner of the treasure map, a piece of the world puzzle. We need to read a few more books, a few more books, to get as close as possible to the full picture of the map.
Meet a few more people, go to a few more places
There are actually two methods:
- Communicate deeply with different people
- expose yourself to unfamiliar situations
Let’s talk about the first point first.
“If there is no today, will there be yesterday tomorrow? The author said:
The so-called understanding of the other is actually seeing oneself in the other and seeing the other in oneself at the same time. To this end, we must broaden the horizons of our thinking, so that our own and other’s horizons can blend with each other.
Why is knowing the other, knowing oneself?
Understanding here refers to in-depth and content communication.
And when we truly communicate deeply with those on the other end of the spectrum, some extremely important questions naturally arise: Why does he think this way? Why do I think so? How do I convince him?
Although the outcome does not necessarily have to be a consensus, when you realize the difference, and in the process of trying to explain, self-justify, and even persuade, we are forced to argue for the principles we have always adhered to. If the reasoning process is logical and self-consistent, everyone is happy, you can convince yourself and the other party. But if you find yourself unable to justify your choices and principles, anger, sadness, and disbelief follow. After a series of emotional fermentation, maybe you will overturn your previous understanding.
And this process is so difficult and painful that it is difficult to complete by ourselves, so we need to seek help from the outside world – contacting others is one way.
Second, expose yourself to unfamiliar situations.
In “If there is no today, will there be yesterday tomorrow? In the chapter on “Mind”, the author says:
We have to go outside, experiment with ourselves, discuss unfamiliar situations with our selves. In the process, however, we must observe keenly and carefully how we react to these new conditions.
We often say that human potential is unlimited, and potential is called potential because it is a quality that is not known, not seen, and has not yet surfaced. So how to recognize and explore the “potential” quality? The author gives the answer – what is the choice of exposing yourself to unfamiliar situations and observing yourself? Think about why you made this choice? How did others choose? What factors make the difference between each other?
In this way, we are able to discover the latent sides of ourselves that are only buried in the daily mechanical life of our comfort zone, and through exposure to the unknown, we can see the unfamiliar side of ourselves.
Think of childhood memories
An important statement in Adler’s “Inferiority and Transcendence What life should mean to you” is: My behavior comes from my experience, especially
Early memories have a huge impact on shaping a person’s character.
Our childhood experiences determine our character, and the character formed from that time is difficult to change unless we experience a great shock later. But hard to change doesn’t mean impossible. Although we can’t change from being socially phobic to being a social person, at least we can never dare to speak to strangers, and progress to “although I don’t want to say it, but I dare to say it”. The first step in changing yourself is to understand your past.
How to do it?
Quite simply, find yourself a quiet, undisturbed time and recall your early memories: What was the earliest memory I was able to trace back? What was life like before I went to kindergarten? How many memories do I have of my parents as a child? What is the status of my kindergarten/elementary/junior high/high school? Is there anything profound? What effect might all these memories have on my current personality and propensity to choose?
If possible, you can also find records of childhood, photos or diaries, or even talk to your parents to awaken more early memories.
Further, you can explore your early memories with a trusted friend, or a coach/psychologist with guidance.
Write down these memories, and slowly, you may be able to discover the root cause of your character.
In addition to sorting out your childhood memories, listing your own experiences from different perspectives can also be of great help. For example, recall your failures, your highlights, 20 interesting things about yourself, and more. By recalling and recording our own experiences, we can gradually become aware of our choices, motivations, and understand ourselves.
Invite people around you to fill out the questionnaire
When I applied for a master’s degree abroad three years ago, in order to better tell my story, I filled out a questionnaire with friends I met on different occasions. There are not many questions on this questionnaire, including:
What do you think is the biggest difference between me and others?
- In your eyes, what is the best part about me? Give an example if you can.
- In the past work or study, which thing do you think I have done better? Why? (give details best)
- What kind of career do you think I am suitable for? Why? (It can be an occupation that exists in real life, it can be a fictitious occupation)
- Do you think I look the most excited when I do something?
- Under what circumstances would you think you could find me? (Not limited to work and life)
- In your eyes, what animal am I? Why?
The people who filled out this questionnaire included my coach, friends I have known for more than ten years, and colleagues who have a good relationship at work. Some of their responses were unexpected and mentioned details that I didn’t usually notice, or things I never thought were important. But it’s clear that sometimes my “subconscious” behaviors, things that seem natural to me, may not be the case in the eyes of others, and I have never thought about the reasons behind this “natural”, until through this The opportunity, I learned from others – it turned out that I did this at the time, and it turned out that what I did was very different.
Of course, it is indeed a strange thing to suddenly take a formal questionnaire and go to someone else to fill it out, and not everyone will fill it out seriously, so you need to find a reason to let yourself really start doing this.
The questions do not need to be the same as those listed above, and try to let the other person use examples to support the views given.
At the same time, try to find different people around us to fill in, because we show ourselves differently in front of different people, and we may be childish with our parents, heartless with high school classmates, and social animal elite with colleagues. side. When you have the opportunity to combine many faces together, you can get as close to the whole picture as possible.
keep a diary
In my previous article , I detailed the benefits of journaling. Here I would like to re-emphasize one of the benefits of keeping a diary, that is, to understand one’s own thinking, to be aware of one’s emotions, and to discover oneself through daily small thinking.
Every day, many thoughts in our brains are fleeting, leaving no trace; at the same time, some other things make us happy or sad, leaving a deep impact. By recording these strong and mild emotions, we can gradually become more sensitive to our emotions.
The next step when you are aware of your emotions is to think about the reasons behind your emotions. This process is the result of natural thinking. We become sensitive to our emotions and gain insight into the reasons behind, which is an important process of understanding ourselves.
So, let’s start by writing down your mood today!
Find a long-term coach
Some friends may have noticed that the word “coach” often appears in my articles. This is not a sports coach, but a mental and growth coach. Unlike psychiatrists, coaches address broader issues such as life goals, career development, and even family relationships.
I had a year of consultations with my previous coach, eight in total. The time interval between each consultation is very long, because each consultation takes time to digest and draw some conclusions through practice. At the time, I consulted on topics such as career development, life goals, personal strengths, and family relationships. Many times, after the consultation, I did not actually have the so-called epiphany moment. But looking back after a year or two, many of the words I said and the conclusions I drew at that time planted a lot of seeds in my heart. After time and practice, they gradually sprouted and grew, and became part of who I am now.
The difference a coach can make is “guidance.” Many of the problems we are troubled by, in fact, the answers are buried in our subconscious or our past, all we need to do is to find them. And the role of the coach is to give us a light to find out the answer in the “self”. So, this is also a method I recommend to find yourself.
personality test
For personality tests, we have to look at it dialectically.
On the one hand, most personality tests are suspected of oversimplifying and labeling people. The complexity of human personality cannot be determined by a few labels. In personality tests, it is relatively more credible if the final answer is based on a percentage-based result.
On the other hand, relatively scientific personality tests can show a certain aspect of our personality more systematically, even if the last chance is “what we already know”, but it is pieced together from different angles and through various systems. As a whole, it can be a help in knowing oneself.
Next, I will introduce two personality tests that I think are more scientific and interesting. If you have a professional psychology friend, please share!
Type 16 Personality
If you’ve ever seen someone describe themselves with four letters (sometimes five) and the first of the four letters must be either I or N, then the “code” they’re talking about is the Type 16 Personality Test. (16 personalities).
The whole test is to answer a series of questions and divide the results into 16 personality types according to 4 dimensions (introversion/extroversion, information acquisition tendency, decision-making tendency, way of looking at the world), and the final result is a combination of four letters. . For each type of personality, the test website will give some traits, strengths, weaknesses, and corresponding suggestions that this type of person will show in different situations.
The reason why this test is very popular is that many people feel that the results are “accurate”. Although I have this feeling after doing it, I think the correct way is to use the test results and the suggestions given as a reference, not as a compass. It is more important to use the results of the test as part of the puzzle. For example, when I see that one of my results is I (introversion), I can ask myself:
“Do I consider myself an extrovert or an introvert? Does my definition of an introvert match the test’s definition? Is my introverted I rate high or low? My friends think I’m an extrovert or an introvert? If there’s a difference, why? Cognitive differences? Why am I an introvert? How can I take advantage of this trait?”
By looking at the results dialectically and confirming and colliding with the information obtained from other channels, the picture about oneself will be clearer.
This test also has some controversy. For example, the percentage of results is masked by the combination of letters, that is to say, the difference between one person’s INTJ and another person’s INTJ cannot be seen by the combination of four letters; and the same person has been separated for a period of time. Take this test again, and the results may be different. For example, I was an ENTJ two years ago, and I was an INFJ last week (though it needs to be considered that my life has changed a lot in the past two years). But again, let’s look at the test results dialectically.
Gallup – Clifton Strengths Finder Clifton Strengths
Earlier this year, I had doubts about my strengths in the workplace, so I chatted with my coach, and she recommended that I take this strengths test.
This test is mainly used in the workplace field, that is, what are your strengths in the field of work and teams. The result is a graph with 34 grids, each grid represents a strength/theme, and each grid will have a different color to represent the strength of the trait the tester has. The report will also be accompanied by an explanation of these topics and how to take advantage of this.
Similarly, the results of this test can be used as a reference when I am confused about career choices. For example, my top five strengths are “thinking | communication | learning | ideas | collection”, then I can think:
“Do I think these are my strengths? How did I develop them? What role should I choose to maximize my strengths?”
This result does not necessarily apply only to the workplace. In life, for example, when the family makes travel plans, when playing games, and when meeting friends, you can choose to do what you are good at.
Epilogue
I have written so much and mentioned several methods, but I have not yet reached the third stage, which is “finding myself”. For me, maybe this is the subject of my life.
Because finding oneself is not an epiphany after an event, on the contrary, finding oneself is a long and painful process. We need to ask questions about ourselves and others, keep searching and thinking, experience all kinds of things, and then find a certain way to piece together the various thoughts in our brains to get a little closer to the whole picture.
But there is one thing that makes the whole process a little easier: when we start thinking about how to know ourselves, we embark on a “road of no return.” Because once we start to think about this question, our brain cannot stop, but can only move forward. The way we came has been diffused in our thoughts. If we stop, the impulse to know ourselves will always be calling us: “I who”, “where did I come from”, “where am I going”.
Because ” he who seeks happiness must not circumvent himself “.
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