“I have the freedom to be grateful and the freedom to persevere. The only thing I don’t have is the freedom to keep silent.”
Since March, the single-read submission email ([email protected]) has successively received many records related to the epidemic. The author of the article published today is from Shanghai. During the quarantine period, her grandparents needed to apply for medicines for medical treatment because of illness. After many attempts to ask for help to no avail, I finally had to choose to file a complaint online, which triggered a series of incidents.
When an ordinary person who has always followed “Don’t Speak” is forced to speak out in a desperate situation, the response she receives is not an answer about desperation, but a question and question about “Speak Out” itself.
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Written by: Didi Di
On the 38th day of the lockdown, my turtle ran away from home. My tortoise, who has never escaped his pickle jar-sized world for 15 years, has disappeared at this point in time. I have to think of it as a mocking gesture of my current state of life. I subconsciously called it twice in the room and laughed to myself. The tortoise can’t speak, can I call it?
Jin Yucheng said that the most important word for Shanghai people is: don’t ring. Wuxiang is not a cynical way to protect oneself, nor is it a coping mechanism for the weak to deal with crises. Don’t ring because some stories are too precious. If you can’t explain everything truthfully, you should cover your mouth even if the needle is stuck in your fingertips. Don’t ring the two words like an iron rule. From my grandparents to my turtle, three generations of our family have implemented this central idea. Before the open-air cafés of Wukang Road, the beer bars of Yongjia Road, and the Italian family restaurants of Blackstone Apartments, Shanghai was actually a turbulent city. The light of the frenzy has literally burned every one of my elders, but no one has told me what they went through in those most difficult days. I can probably guess some, they can probably guess I can guess, but we maintain a tacit understanding and the courage to turn the page together.
Since my involuntary entry into my current Stoic life on April 1st, I have also resolved to adhere to the two-word scripture as much as possible. Bolaño wrote in the book, ethics, responsibility, love, art, anything you believe will betray you. But peace is never. Generations of living experience in this city have taught me that silence does not betray anything but calm. In addition to not betraying yourself, silence will not betray others. So I voluntarily bowed my head to the unalterable reality, closed my mouth, and tried to maintain a decent daily life in a high price system and a distorted environment. In the WeChat group of the community, I have been solitary with my neighbors who are also silent, and I have forwarded help messages on Weibo but never commented. Sometimes in the middle of the night I could hear the shouting and venting outside, and I opened my mouth subconsciously, but no sound came out.
Residents of the community who took out their chairs and basked in the sun in the aisle (all pictures in this article were taken by the author)
On the 36th day of the lockdown, I still had to break the silence with my own hands. In short, thanks to my repeated complaints on the Internet, the street staff thought I had to speak up and explain my behavior. At noon, the staff of the two sub-district offices knocked on my door. I leaned against the door frame and listened to them read the complaint I filed online on my phone.
“It’s you who complained about the street director’s ineffectiveness in fighting the epidemic, right?”
I nod.
“If you have any comments, you can call us directly. Why do you want to write these things online?”
I want to speak, but I don’t know where to start. Would you like to explain the cause and effect of the complaint first? Is it telling them that I’ve called all the contacts I can find, and I’ve been ignored and rejected without exception? Or tell them that the complaint is just an act of archiving, and I have solved the problem of medical treatment for the elderly at home. If stupidly waited for them to come to me, it would be too late? Do I have to recite a paragraph of epidemic prevention regulations to inform them that my complaint is a legitimate right?
“The director of the street is very busy, but he is also very concerned about your situation, so he specially asked us to come to understand the situation with you. In this way, can you cancel the complaint first? We will help you solve the problem after canceling it.”
Thinking of the posing news of the street director that I read a few days ago, I took some effort to hide the sarcastic voice in my heart, and quickly calculated in my mind what the price would be if I chose to agree or insist on resisting.
“You have to know that the complaint you submitted online is finally transferred to our street for processing, and I can cancel your complaint at any time.” My inaction angered the staff. “I’m telling you now, we don’t have anyone to come to the door to take samples. I don’t care how old your grandparents are, whether they can walk by themselves. If I don’t see them going downstairs to do nucleic acid testing the next morning, I will report it to Shuangyang and ask the CDC to come and pull people. “
The object of the complaint has become the judge and executor of the complaint, which is an extremely absurd thing in itself. If it hadn’t happened to me, I would have packaged this conversation as a Soviet joke to share at the dinner table in the future. It’s a pity that I was in it at the time, and the huge reality has overwhelmed all my emotions. News and images of the elderly being forcibly removed for a month flashed through my mind. I don’t even have time to think about how much of this statement is true and how much is false. Because when the power and punishment mechanism are extremely unequal, evidence, rules, legal principles, these defense methods I use to resist danger have long since been completely ineffective. I have no chips to resist, and only temporarily choose to retreat.
“Stop talking, I’ll cancel the complaint.” I finally spoke up.
On the 38th day of the lockdown, as usual, I woke up to the sound of the horn downstairs. In these days, I have gradually developed a set of regular routines. At eight in the morning, I got up and uploaded the antigen results in the community WeChat group. At ten o’clock, feed the turtles and go downstairs to make nucleic acids. At 8 pm, upload the results of the second antigen in the WeChat group. This morning, when I went to the balcony to feed the turtles breakfast, I found that the water tank was empty. I searched in every nook and cranny several times, but couldn’t find a trace of it – it just disappeared out of thin air. Turtles can’t speak, and most likely have no feelings for me. But its silent companionship gave me a little strength during this special time. The small interaction with it every morning has become the only order of life in my new biological clock that has nothing to do with the epidemic, but only belongs to me. Today, this order of life has been ripped open.
“Why don’t you just come down and do nucleic acid today?” Da Bai, who was in charge of queuing to maintain order, recognized my name when he swiped my nucleic acid code. I looked him in the eyes and said nothing. In fact, I also recognized him, the staff who came to the door before. Under the dazzling sunlight, I felt dazed, and for a moment I seemed to see a successful smile under his mask. The spring breeze slapped my face and gave me a solid slap. April is the cruelest month. At that moment I thought I understood the meaning of the sentence even better than Eliot himself.
On the other side, a gym square cabin was built, and patients who were waiting to be transported and those who were unwilling to leave surrounded the gatekeepers.
After I joined the nucleic acid team, Dabai motioned for a police car to follow me. Sitting in the car was a police officer who was also wearing a protective suit, and no expression could be seen under the protective suit and medical mask. I moved forward with the team, and he released the accelerator and moved forward. A four-seater car abruptly separated me from the neighbors who later lined up to do nucleic acid, and seemed to want to put some kind of label on me in this way. The little guesswork and reasoning behind the scenes made me feel a little funny. Resist or not, we are only achieving a superficial order. Me, the neighbors, the police, Dabai, some people can benefit temporarily, but no one will be a winner forever. It’s just that people who are immersed in this game now will be willing to walk into history silently when they wake up from their dreams?
After finishing the nucleic acid and returning home, I searched the house carefully, but there was still no trace of the tortoise. I wanted to go back to sleep but felt tightness in my chest, so I changed my clothes and went downstairs for a walk. My community is a precautionary area, and there have been no positive cases for 16 days. Due to some unknown reasons, the management has been upgraded, and the scope of residents’ activities has been reduced from Xuhui District to the community. I gladly accepted the arrangement of the organization and walked all the way to the gate of the community. The gate of the community is facing a wide road, and the end of the road is connected to the tunnel leading to Pudong and the north-south viaduct. This main road is an important transportation hub for transporting supplies, so there are still cars coming and going in this quiet period-it is already an excellent view for those who are quarantined at home. When I walked to the gate, I saw a mother with her child standing in the security booth. The mother chatted with the security guard and mentioned that the child deliberately chose his favorite clothes to wear downstairs. This is the moment of the day he most looks forward to. The security guard told her embarrassedly that she would not be able to bring her children downstairs from tomorrow. She had just received a notice from the neighborhood committee that the community would be re-upgraded and managed. The child burst into tears when he heard the words “can’t go downstairs” and shouted that his mother was a liar. His mother comforted him in a panic and asked the security for more details. I was stunned listening to their conversation, and didn’t stop until my body was close to the barricades that blocked the community.
“You, go back!” I followed the voice and looked out, it turned out to be the police officer with no expression on his face. After the nucleic acid was over, the police car did not leave and stopped directly on the sidewalk to the left of the gate of the community. And now, he finally said his first words to me. I took a few steps back and he was still not satisfied. “Don’t run downstairs if you’re okay.” I gave in again until my body was about five meters away from the world outside the barricade. Five meters, this is the distance from freedom that I measure with my body.
The sun in late spring is like a cold light, dazzlingly bright without giving off any heat. The red and white barricades were shining brightly in the sun. Occasionally, passers-by who have been unblocked pass by on the road, carrying large and small bags in a hurry. I stared at their shopping bags and counted how many bowls of saury ravioli, broad beans, wild vegetables, and bamboo shoots I missed this spring. Shanghai in April and May carries all my tenderness for the city. At this time in previous years, I would most likely cycle to the noodle shop on Ji’an Road to meet up with friends. Cycling on the road, you can see the uncle playing the saxophone hiding in the green belt, and the aunts and mothers dressed in fashion on the street help each other take pictures. When I got to the store, I crowded with my friends on the long wooden benches, one person had a bowl of Yangchun noodles, and the other had a bowl of double-grade soup. In the afternoon, walk to Guangming Village and queue for two hours in exchange for two boxes of saury wontons and a box of fresh meat mooncakes. Along Huaihai Road, I walked home slowly and took the fresh grass head or broad beans sold by the local grandmother on the side of the road. At that time, my wish was very small, so small that I could only fit a bowl of crab roe and spinach noodles for tomorrow. My wish is also very big. I wish that the fragrance of gardenias on the streets will last forever, and that my city will be as vibrant and evergreen as a Libo beer advertisement. But in any case I am not afraid of the fleeting spring, because I always look forward to the arrival of the next spring.
Spring outside the iron fence
“Don’t go downstairs if it’s all right, and tell you to go back and hear Fa?” The police officer ordered me again. But I stick to my position, five meters is all the distance I am willing to give up. I stared at him dully through the geometric gap in the barricade, and he sat in the car, returning the same dull gaze to me standing behind the barricade, as if he had been waiting for a reply from me. I feel that something is moving away from me at the moment, yellowing, hardening, drying up, and disappearing like an out-of-season broad bean. I know I can’t catch it, but I’m always unwilling and want to look back. In the long stalemate, I finally realized that I have the freedom to be grateful and the freedom to persevere.
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