Not being heard is no reason to be silent
From the launch of “Slow Step” a month ago, until today – the world has been turned upside down within a month, making the past world like a dream. Walking through the divided world, it is hard to tell whether reality is just a substitute for dreams, and the world is idling.
Today I share the creation talk and excerpts of the novella “Friends of My Youth” collected in “Slow Step”. A while ago, Ban Yu mentioned in a personal interview that the reason for starting writing was that he wanted to write a letter to the people and moments he knew and met who touched him. However, in the writing of “Slow Step”, Ban Yu “deliberately flashes back the giant hand that is real”, constructs a separate world in the novel, and salvages the things that have not dissipated from it, “word by word, condensing into a more The vast silence.”
Talking about the Creation of “Don’t Let Me Go”
The title of the novel is derived from the work of the same name by Alice Munro, and the content described is not much related to it. If anything, it might be that in the opening lines of that classic novel, Munro reveals a dream of her own, where she is her age and her mother is still alive, writing, “I re- gain what was lost in sobriety’.
Friends of my youth. For me, these words point to an eager farewell, as if an ancient stone giant hand is rising from the river, moving the shore and years, gravity and sails, vegetation and clouds to both sides, and time and space are clearly standing still , is no longer a muddy, dim doomsday picture. The so-called pursuit does not capture those fleeting afterimages frame by frame; the occurrence, circulation, and annihilation of some things are always faster, higher, stronger, and more united than what we have experienced. Progressive competitive spirit. Scenery and time corrode us bit by bit, reflecting our barrenness and futility with its arrogance, complexity, and change. Therefore, chasing a sunset is actually chasing one’s own shadow; picking up all the sentences is nothing more than strangling those onomatopoeias and dragging them to the empty street. The sound of splitting and flashing answers all over the floor are dangerous and disorderly, which makes people feel in a daze, and they don’t know who to ask questions.
While writing this, I was reminded of many things from the past, but none of them were included in the novel. It seemed to be deliberately flashing back the giant hand that was sure. If I become a part of it, all of me will cease to exist. This is not out of resistance, nor is it to walk through it, but to follow its palm lines and re-identify a possible law. A few days ago, I also dreamed of a young friend. We sat side by side, listening hard, and the conversation was like a trial: our belief was a transaction planted in the future, and our confession was the second of hypocrisy and defeat. Imaging, comforting each other is a shameful, almost blackmailing prayer, as if they have really experienced some plain, difficult and long test, and now everything is deserved. At the end of this dream, without controversy and justification, we can only pick up the instinct of disgust again.
Then, I also wondered what kind of novel I was writing. If I can describe it, I will drive some tiny words around my fingers to form a satellite-like device to measure the texture and scale of planets, large areas of water, large areas of land, large-scale migration and flight, rapid weather, Desolation is alive and well, but that doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’m writing about either. The novel is just a commemoration of a failure, like a lonely stand-in, standing behind the tense curtain, keeping a distance, saying goodbye, goodbye to the exiting audience. After the lights went out for a long time, he returned to the stage, reciting lines that had never been spoken in the dark. The sentences are loose and the voice is weak, but his name is the end of all languages. The words fell off their bodies one after another and fell into their respective lairs, covering the soul like golden and crisp leaves. Tomorrow’s people still walk through it, staring at each other, and no one pays attention to these lost trivialities. Unless one night, we forget our responsibilities and traditions, stop the trembling in our hearts, and escape from the shackles of sobriety, then through the phosphorescence of the dead, we may be able to detect those messy, snow-like hidden voices, one after another, Condensed into a peaceful long sleep song, telling us, don’t let me go, dear, don’t let me go.
The movie “A Touch of Sin”
Friend of my youth (excerpt)
Written by: Ban Yu
one
The main teaching building was designed by the Soviets. It sits along the street and faces south. It has three floors in total. The left and right sides are symmetrical about the central axis. It is similar to the Winter Palace on the banks of the Neva River. A spirit dagger is inserted into the belly of the earth, giving birth to the Virgin Mary, Saints and Sons. It was built in 1951, and it was built for two and a half years. The work was suspended for a period of time, which may have something to do with the international situation. The exterior walls are mottled and altered over the years, and the slogan has been dismantled into strokes, like folded lines, extending upwards to infinity. There is a dimmed steel five-pointed star inlaid on the top. Originally, there was an ax and a sickle underneath. It was dismantled overnight in 1958, and its whereabouts are unknown. Only this five-pointed star remained, which was re-inserted and moved to In the middle, the wind and rain are not eroded, revealing a gloomy red color. The outer wall is yellow and green, once covered with ivy, planted by someone, densely covered, like the scales of ancient strange beasts, squeezing each other, oozing juice, the building is quiet, hidden in it, also like the darkroom lair of the Zerg, Opening and relaxing, breathing slowly, spitting out miasma and venom. Later, due to the ferocious growth of plants, excessive shading, gecko habitat and multiplication, the walls were cracked, and the tile surface was in danger, so the school had to ask people to repair it again and again, which caused great headaches for the school. In 1997, two men with non-local accents visited the logistics office and brought five boxes of apples, two barrels of ten-jin white wine, and a self-made potion. It was oily and the color was close to cough syrup. However, it is said to be effective when placed in a glass container. It is still in the confidential stage and is applying for a scientific research patent. You only need to spray it on the leaves at will, and within a few days, it will fall by itself and no longer grow, so there is no need to worry about it. . The headmaster personally supervised the experiment, and the logistics director offered a pot of clivia in the office. As instructed, first dilute the potion with tea, pour it in and stir it steadily, then add half a box of chlorine-depleted tap water, pour it into the watering can, and press it gently , shooting out water mist, evenly falling on the thick and oily green leaves. The principal is extremely satisfied and enjoys the process. At the Spring Festival Gala that year, Zhao Benshan and Fan Wei, who was wearing a turban, co-starred in the skit “Red Sorghum Model Team”. There is a line in it that describes the appearance of fashion models as if they are spraying crops: Tightening the abdomen is tightening the belly , Lifting the buttocks is to block the medicine box, squinting is to see the fruit trees, pressurize this side, and spray the other side. To this end, the principal held a swearing-in meeting to mobilize all the faculty and staff of the school to set an example for the students and work together to eradicate the reactionary scourge. The experiment was very successful, and not long after, all the leaves of the pot of Clivia withered inwards and turned into a single flower, as if the tendons and blood had been pulled out, but it still maintained a small bloom shape, which seemed to fit into the palm of the hand . The principal ordered someone to take a photo and store the record for future reference. In 2004, the school history museum was reopened, and our class was sent to clean up. The dust was overwhelming, rolling in, and objects large and small were scattered in a mess. There was no history, and they were all tattered. Qiu Tong told me later that she saw this photo from that year, and it was well preserved in an old file bag. I didn’t quite believe it, so I asked her, really? She said, what are you doing to lie to you. I asked, what does it look like? She said, it’s like your dick basket in winter, shrunk and frozen into shape. I said, I can’t chat with you. She said, didn’t you have to ask, I was still hesitating whether to take it back as a souvenir for you, but after thinking about it, it seemed that it was not very auspicious.
The two foreign men were arrested together with the logistics director. At that time, people realized that they were somewhat similar in appearance, especially the mouth muscles. When they spoke, they always liked to nibble to the right side, as if they wanted to swallow the sentences that came out. The three were originally brothers, and the other two worked in the chemical factory in their hometown. The eldest was a store manager, was in poor health and had diabetes, and the third was a driver. A four-year-old child was left with polio. The turnover of the factory is not good, and the wages are in arrears for more than a year. The factory manager said, if you want money, it is worthless, and if you want my life, it is worthless. Everything is here, who can sell it? Whoever has the ability, whoever has the ability, will be able to enter the new era, and whoever is in a heroic mood. Therefore, not only for the sake of making a living, but also to live a bolder life, the boss and the third child undertook the military order, shipped out a truckload of concentrated sulfuric acid, went west and west, and rushed over, rented a bungalow in the suburbs, and put on woolen clothes. With a letter of introduction in his pocket, he tried hard to sell his suit everywhere. After several months, he continued to hit a wall without any results. Running to the school to ask the second child for help was really desperate, so this was the last resort. Later, the Dongchuang incident was not because of these creepers. In fact, the trimming effect was good, and it can be said to be the best in years. Dead skin, or the clumps of hair that fall out after chemotherapy. It’s just that it’s a little troublesome to clean up. It takes three or five people to hug their chests and drag them out of the school gate. The mood is similar to that world-famous painting, Trackers on the Volga. The cause of the accident was the leakage of the storage tank. At first, it leaked out little by little, and then the hole gradually became larger and the corrosion was serious. It is impossible to determine whether it was man-made. Not far from the bungalow is a large field of farmland, planted with stalks of corn, which have entered the wax ripening period. The kernels turn from green to yellow, plump and densely grown. There is also a civilian ditch, and the tanker is parked next to it. In the wind, white steam suddenly bulged out of the calmly flowing black water, rising into a column of smoke more than ten meters away, shooting straight into the sky, with a pungent smell, and no one dared to approach it. After the report, several truckloads of construction materials were brought in. Everyone wore masks, picked up the washbasin at home, filled it with lime, and covered it with a few thick layers of sand, as if burying a coffin. Even so, the white mist It also drilled from the ground to the outside, stuck in the air, and lingered for a long time. The farmland must have been abandoned, and what was washed away was not only the crops and water canals, but also the kennels and burrows of the bungalow. In the cave, a dead body was accidentally found. It was severely corroded and seemed to be hollowed out. The body was curled up in one place, looking like a child or a crooked old man. Outside the cave were two shovels and a pair of urine-yellow rubber gloves. No one knows who died.
The movie “Oasis”
I asked Qiu Tong, why are you so clear about this? She said, nonsense, the logistics director is my dad, and the remaining two, one is my uncle and the other is my uncle, they are all relatives, so don’t tell me. I said, it turns out that your family’s genes are so good. She said, yes, you figure it out. I said, I kind of want to check out now, is there still time? Qiu Tong said, are you afraid? I put on my pants and said, I can’t say that. Qiu Tong stretched out his hand, pawed it twice, and said, look, he retracted again, it’s up to you, it’s nothing. I said, feeling a little turmoil in my heart. Qiu Tong said, why did you drag in the words, and now it is obvious that you are the representative of the Chinese class. I said, I can’t represent anyone. Qiu Tong jumped out of the bed, hugged my waist tightly, and held on for a long time, the air was silent. I coughed twice. She said, how about I give you a few words? I said, that wronged you. After hearing this, Qiu Tong kicked me away and said, don’t be so embarrassing, who do you think you are.
While I was riding the bike, I felt aggrieved in my heart. I didn’t think I was who I was, and you shouldn’t think I was who I was either. I’m nothing, and neither are you. Qiu Tong was straddling the back seat, her hands were shaking, and she didn’t hug me. Her legs were rather long, and the soles of her feet had to be kept up so that they wouldn’t be dragged to the ground. , she said nothing, as if she was angry. After paying the room fee, I still have twenty-five yuan left in my pocket, and she doesn’t have a penny. The typhoon shelter is eighteen yuan a person. There is no time limit. You can drink jujube tea as you like. If you don’t have refills, you can still eat melon seeds and play checkers , Look at the issue of the color picture magazine. After I went in, I found a seat in the corner, and the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable it became, and I wished I could bury myself. Within a few minutes, Qiu Tong mixed in with a large group of people from other schools, hooked their shoulders, talked and laughed, and didn’t know how to chat, she just had the ability. After being seated, he played a few poker games with him, glanced around for a week, and then came back to me. I ignored her. Qiu Tong poured himself a drink, drank half a pot of water in one breath, and asked me, did Xiao Xu tell you anything about me recently? I said no. I asked her, what did Kong Xiaole tell you about me? She said, said. I said, what. She said, she said that you look like a square root of two, how can you get away from it. I said, what do you mean. She said height, one point four one four. I said, I fuck your mother, Qiu Tong. She said, don’t feel inferior, look at you, I didn’t say that, I don’t think so, I think you are tall, very mighty, flexible in body, vigorous in movement, you can perform “Entering the Water” with a perm “Basketball Master”, dunks on the ladder, you see what I said.
I can’t remember now why I had to stay with Qiu Tong every day at that time. Although we were at the same table, we couldn’t spend our spare time together. For a while, I always felt that I was her father, as long as she called, I seemed to have received some kind of order, and immediately ran to check the situation and solve the problem. After learning that her father went in, I didn’t dare to think about it. I know that Qiu Tong doesn’t like me, she likes people who can talk about cross talk at parties, know some acrobatics, and have unique hobbies. Of course, I don’t like her either. I don’t like anyone. If I had to pick one, I might be more attracted to Kong Xiaole. She has a five-point haircut, looks clean, and doesn’t talk much. It is said that her parents are intellectuals. She has read many world famous books since she was a child. She is much better than me. I have only read a few selected essays, which do not belong to a system. Once, the teacher asked Kong Xiaole to read his composition aloud. He forgot the title, but there was a quote from Milan Kundera. At that time, my heart trembled, like a butterfly breaking out of its cocoon, facing the bright new world. sweet. The reason is that I heard a song in an Internet cafe the day before, and it sang in it that you will eventually meet a girlfriend. In front of her, you accidentally dropped a copy of Milan Kundera. I didn’t drop it, but Kong Xiaole landed in front of me, coming gently and lightly. I think this is fate. The unbearable lightness of being.
Qiu Tong doesn’t think so, she thinks there is nothing she can’t bear no matter it’s light or heavy, don’t you feel it, I’m suffering it too, her mother told her that life is nothing more than three words: live and suffer. I said, this is a word, a common saying, not three words, your Chinese is really bad. Qiu Tong said, no, we have to look at it separately, life, people, no matter you or me, are living, shou means to endure, endure, suffer by oneself, anyway, it is not easy to feel, sin, there is before birth, and there is also in life, Hanging upside down in the cave like a stalactite, growing bit by bit, the world is just a karst cave, karst landform, we passed by in a small boat, you see, my analogy is okay, so, connected together, either alive or To suffer, but to feel our sin, is to live. I said, how about you arrange and combine with me here? She said, you just say whether it makes sense or not, whether you are educated or not. I said no. Qiu Tong said, then you are not enlightened enough. I said, I am not guilty. Qiu Tong said, as if you can have the final say. I said, your mother has the final say, okay?
I guess I’m the only one in our class who has met Qiu Tong’s mother. During the three years of high school, her mother never even came to a parent-teacher meeting. Out of a bit of inexplicable love. Later, when I drove her home by bike, her mother stopped us from the side of the street. She was wearing pale yellow pajamas with fringed trousers, looked dirty, and held a cigarette in her hand. I told her Mom said hello, and her mother quickly nodded enthusiastically in response, saying something here and there, asking for warmth, showing an unacceptable flattery, Qiu Tong’s face sank to the side, and he didn’t speak for a long time. At that moment, I almost confirmed that I was her father, that is, this woman’s ex-husband. After the divorce, I was responsible for taking care of my daughter, working hard from morning to night, working hard to bring up her daughter. Over the years, she must have done many things to be sorry to me, and those fake laughs meant irreparable guilt. And will I ever forgive her? I really can’t figure it out, it’s a bit out of line. Her mother didn’t look like Qiu Tong at all, she was short, with a small face, heavy make-up, and her eyes rolled around, looking at the thief. I asked Qiu Tong, what does your mother usually do? She said it was for business. I will not ask further questions. In those years, if one talked about a person’s occupation, whether it was business, stock speculation, or engineering, he was actually saying that he had no job and lived by playing mahjong. I didn’t quite understand this at the time. The moon is cloudy and sunny, and gambling can be won or lost. No matter how good a master is, he still needs a bit of luck. Later, when I played poker all night, I realized that playing mahjong is not for winning, but a way to build self-identity, to protest the outside world with the smallest unit, that is to say, it is necessary to maintain a fundamental Sexual sports, invest the time and meaning you have: four people form a table together nervously, that is spiritual watch and mutual assistance, and every card played is an independent action again and again.
The movie “Peppermint”
The house Qiu Tong lived in was very old. There was a dilapidated ring-shaped flower bed in front of the building. There were two floors inside and outside. No one took care of it. There were no flowers or grass growing inside. It was full of broken glass and gravel, and ants crawled around. After she went upstairs, I always sat on the edge of the flower bed for a while, and then rode back home, in a trance. Qiu Tong said, sometimes I take a look at you upstairs, and just stay there, I don’t know what to think, just pretend to be fucking deep. I said, no, I was already deep. Qiu Tong said, I don’t know you? I said, what do you think about our matter. Qiu Tong said, in fact, as soon as I entered the room that day, I regretted it. I said, me too. Qiu Tong said, we really can’t get along. I said, I think so too. She said, fortunately, it didn’t work out, and I was quite grateful, otherwise, what’s going on now, right, I just want to try it out, what does it feel like to hold each other together. I said, if you say that, then I can rest assured that I haven’t slept for several nights. Qiu Tong said that nothing happened at first, so don’t take it to heart. I said, that’s ok, but I have one more question. Qiu Tong said, you ask. I said, how many times is this your first time with me? Who was it before? How many are there in total? Do I know them all? Qiu Tong said, this is all a few fucking questions. I said, can you tell me about it. Qiu Tong said, don’t worry about these things, it has nothing to do with you, my mother always said something to me, you also remember, she said, don’t worry about useless thoughts.
During high school, I didn’t have any expectations for myself, whether it was emotional or academic, good or bad, there was nothing unacceptable. However, I have a principle of my own, which is still true today: I always avoid making myself a dingy person. It’s hard to describe what kind of person this is, but I’ve seen it quite a few times. For example, on the day when the school history museum was opened to the public, alumni who had graduated for many years came back to visit. For this purpose, the school redid a marble plaque with gold paint on a black background and embedded it in the wall. Keep it privately, treat it as a treasure, and pass it on to the younger generation. It is just a piece of yellowed and brittle paper, but only a stick long. When it was displayed that day, the younger generation stood carefully by the side, like someone who has never had a chance to play. The goalkeeper, with his gestures and gestures bluntly, was highly nervous, and was afraid of being damaged or stolen. After the end, he didn’t eat any food, and took the crap back home, rubbed it into a dream, and never appeared again. And, my classmate who ran away from home left a message saying that he would ride a bicycle to Beijing, find the tallest building, and jump off it to show his protest against the education system. Two days later, An An Wen He went back to the classroom steadily, and continued to listen to the class with his hands behind his back. No one cared what happened to him. I think one day he will understand that even if he jumped, all we can give is nothing but contempt. We are far more cruel than the system itself. Another example, the night I went out to open a room with Qiu Tong, after I got home, I fell asleep and heard my mother scolding my father in the kitchen, because she had just checked my pocket and knew that I spent the day. How much. She said, this is your son, my mother has no day or night, and I am about to sell blood for him. He took the money and went out to spend with women. He really followed his roots. I don’t care about this child from now on, you take care of yourself . My dad said, with whom? Who do I spend it on? My mother said, you think I don’t know? My dad said, I’m afraid you know? My mother said, it’s not for the sake of having children, can I live with you? My dad said, you can’t love me. My mother started to rummage through his pockets again, and the keys collided together, rattling, and then she asked, where’s your money? My dad said, it’s gone, it’s spent. My mother said, where did the flowers go, I don’t know why, we are not finished today, so I put my words here. My dad said, go to the kiln to eat tofu dregs, the province, the flowers that should be spent, just spend the fuck, fuck you, I will go out and continue to spend now.
Then there was the sound of closing the door, and there was always someone leaving. It didn’t slam hard, but gently, so lightly, the bolt popped out and then fastened quietly, and it didn’t close still, for fear of waking up the night. I thought of Kong Xiaole’s composition again, which is also the unbearable lightness in life. I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming or not, and I didn’t want to tell. People who go out are always dingy, like the junior with a note, or the classmate who ran away from home, or my dad and I, walking in front of them with anxiety and nothing. The more people don’t want to be something, the more they will become something. Like a curse, the things you fear will always come, and you can’t run away. Don’t be useless.
two
As a teenager, I witnessed many falls, and they happened one after another in my life, emerging one after another, not just in the opposite growth behavior, bad emotional experience and unreasonable survival posture, but manifested as a real of fatigue. I have seen them step into the mud by themselves, let it be at their mercy, unable to cheer up, their limbs are weak, without struggle and resistance. I can feel that in the next long time, they will gradually sink down, silently. As soon as he appeared on the stage, he reached the peak, and after exhausting all his imagination, there was no direction to go, and he couldn’t cheer up again. I have a deep fear of this, and I often remind myself not to fall into it. I am different from them, dirtier and harder. Milan Kundera once said that once a person is addicted to his own weakness, he will continue to be weak. Under the eyes of everyone, he will fall on the street, on the ground, or at a place lower than the ground. The places lower than the ground are nothing more than dangerous caves, such as Hongzhong, such as Tallinn, which can only be passed by one person. From then on, I swam there, keeping absolute vigilance, lest I fall or be cut apart. In fact, many years later, I found that this kind of worry was unreasonable, and my premonition was completely bankrupt. Those people who were stagnant in it would always find a way to break out of the encirclement, like resurgent ashes, easily burning the past. I am more comfortable, clinging to fate, rewriting the scale, and becoming a timely newcomer from then on. But I am still walking in the shadow of death, laboring and taking risks, exhausting my heart and soul, and putting in a lot of effort, just struggling to maintain ordinary and mediocrity. I don’t think there is a question of fairness and justice in this, nor can it be fully summarized by personal circumstances. When we realize that we are just a pile of inorganic matter adsorbed on rocks, wilderness and ocean, in a wider void When flying around.
The movie “Yi Yi”
The last time I saw Qiu Tong was in 2008. After the college entrance examination, we had a few short phone calls, nothing important, just asking about each other’s situation. She was studying law in a third-class college in Chongqing. During military training, she almost fell in love with the instructor. At the farewell party, the girls in the dormitory sang a song “Later” by Liu Ruoying. After stepping off the stage, she cried like a mess. Qiu Tong asked me, have you heard of it. I said no. Qiu Tong said, then you should listen to it, some people will stop once they miss it. I said, very reasonable, my grandfather is, I miss him very much. Qiu Tong said, over the years, is there anyone who can make you not feel lonely. I said, no. She said, no, I didn’t ask you, I was talking about the lyrics. I said, if you don’t ask, then there is no question. Another time, she called me crying, saying that she had received news that her mother was ill. She was alone in the hospital with no one to take care of her, and she was preparing for an exam. She was far away and couldn’t make it back in time. She told me that it has been really difficult for so many years. The mother and daughter depended on each other for life, spent winter and summer in an old house, suffered humiliation, and endured all kinds of humiliation until now, but the mother fell ill again. When I answered the phone, I was sitting on the edge of the bed in the rented house outside. I had just smoked a whole stick, and my spirit was shining brightly. I was staring at the garbage all over the floor. My eyes were full of stars and rivers, dark as velvet, so soft heartbreak. Before she finished speaking, I began to cry bitterly, heart-piercingly, completely uncontrollable. Hearing my cry, she was silent for a long while, but instead became more sober, and firmly swore to me, thank you, thank you for listening to me, I will let her live a happy life, go all out, and spare no expense. I said, it’s raining in my heart. She said, me too. I said, mom. She said, yes, my mother, my only relative. I said, Mom, let’s fly together. what does she say. I said, Mom, let’s rock and roll together.
Qiu Tong and many friends made me feel extremely confused in those years, as if since they separated, they started a kind of backward growth, staying on the opposite side of time, picking up the lost emotions again, No longer impulsive, crazy, become regular and normal, fully warm-up preparations for entering another world, time flows forward, but they look younger. This kind of change came so suddenly that I once regarded it as falsehood and pretense, and I dreamed of denouncing it. I also felt that one day, they would peel off by themselves, so as to reveal their original color and texture. But that day doesn’t exist. In other words, it is gradually going away, only a small corner flashes at a certain accidental moment, false and real, and it is difficult to distinguish the true from the false, and then hides without a trace.
In the summer vacation of that year, I used the excuse of reviewing the English grading test, so I didn’t go home, rented near the school, didn’t go out very much, seldom eat, and played games almost crazily every day. At that time, I was obsessed with an online game with the theme of Xianxia. I spent more than 16 hours a day online, and I was also in charge of organizing and managing a gang. I play different roles in it, one of them is called “Angry Machine”, who worships Shaolin, wanders in Cangshan Mountain, has no origin, no thought, no extinction, no form, no self, no reason for the world. The other one is called “anarchist”, who uses the pen as a halberd, and the clouds on the ladder are vertical. I am like a traveler, and the sky is covered with a sword in Qingqiu. I prefer the operating experience brought by the latter, with rich skills, high degree of freedom, and challenging to play. In the game, I made many friends and fell in love with a girl. I love fighting in the server, and I am a chivalrous hero. I post and write strategies in the community, and I have gained a lot of trust and respect. When people call my name, they often use abbreviations. At first it was called “government”, but later they felt that the ambiguity was too big, as if they were suing someone, they changed it to “ism”, but it is still strange, I often read this in private chats and public screens Words: Doctrine, where to set up a stall tonight. Or: Doctrine, take your team and see you on the battlefield. If the battle is defeated, when the screen goes dark, a line of small blood red words will appear: Anarchists have been killed. If you use the scroll to return to the city, it will be a line of green words: the green hills will not change, the green water will flow forever, so farewell to the anarchists, and you will meet later.
Qiu Tong returned to Shenyang on vacation and wanted to ask me to meet, but I said I didn’t go home and stayed at school. She said, are you talking about a girlfriend? I thought about it and said, no. Whether it counts in the game is really not good. She said, then let me see you. I said, it’s fine to come, but I don’t have much money, and I have to take care of my own food and lodging. On the third day after saying this, she took a six-hour train to my city. Because I wanted to form a team to fight a mission, I didn’t go to the station to greet her, I just sent her an address, until I received a message from her saying that she was already downstairs, so I reluctantly put on a dress and went out.
Qiu Tong changed his look and looked much more mature than before. She was wearing a dark floral dress, light makeup, a pair of silver earrings, and no ponytail anymore. She had straight black hair that fell flat and touched her shoulders. She told me that it was called ion perm, and it cost 130 yuan. It was just done, and asked me if it looked good. I said, it’s okay, it’s really not the same as before. She said, why are you still like this, nothing has changed. I asked her back, what should I change? Seeing that I was dissatisfied, Qiu Tong asked again, we haven’t seen each other for several years. I said nearly three years. She said, do you still have contact with other students? I said, no, I quit all the class groups. Qiu Tong said, I have seen them making arrangements for gatherings in the past two days. I said, I’m not going, are you going? She said, definitely not, didn’t I come to see you.
There is a hot pot buffet next to the school, 25 yuan per person, and another 10 yuan for the bottom of the pot. You can eat meat and vegetables as you like without wasting them, and there is no limit to beer and drinks. I brought Qiu Tong to dinner. She was very excited along the way. She looked around and wanted to ask about everything she saw. She kept talking. I told her that the economic conditions are limited, so I just invite this meal. Let me express my heart, although you can eat more, it is best to eat three meals, so that I will be more enthusiastic when I recall it in the future. Qiu Tong patted me on the shoulder and said, don’t worry, I don’t need you, my mother will take the money for me. I said, how is your mother? She said that she followed the doctor’s advice and recovered quickly after the operation. She insisted on exercising physically and mentally, going out to dance and play mahjong every day.
An induction cooker is placed on each table, with deformed aluminum pots on it, mutton rolls, duck blood, luncheon meat, vermicelli and green vegetables are placed in the net baskets at the entrance, and they can only be picked up by holding orange plastic trays , back and forth, it was inconvenient to move around, and there was a layer of greasy transparent oil on the ground. The sesame sauce ingredients are pre-mixed, and they cost 2 yuan a piece. Free tissues are not provided, and a box costs 1 yuan. We boiled the hot pot with tap water, the blood frothed layer by layer, and swayed to the edge. I picked up a ball of tumbling pieces of minced meat and put it in my mouth. It was tasteless, like being stuffed into a handful of sawdust. After only two bites, Qiu Tong put down his chopsticks and said, this place is really incomparable with Chongqing. I said, yes, deal with it, I was neglected, forgive me. Qiu Tong said, let’s have a drink or not. I said, no, I have something to do at night, so I have to stay awake. She said, I’m here, what else do you have to do, you can’t play games. I said, it’s just a game, and I’m going to open up wasteland tonight. My position is very important, and I can’t tell you clearly. Qiu Tong sighed and said, what have you been doing all these years. I raised my head and said solemnly, Qiu Tong, we are classmates. I am not your father, and you are not my mother. I will give you back what you told me before. Remember, stop worrying about useless thoughts. Qiu Tong said, you are quite a grudge. I stabilized my mood and said, I didn’t remember it specifically, and I just remembered it after chatting here.
Qiu Tong said that she has a good capacity for alcohol, and when she reached the fifth bottle, she started to talk nonsense, scolded her school, and taught the waiters to speak the Chongqing dialect. After that, he lay down on the table, whispering to himself, but couldn’t get up. I was very anxious, and I was a little bit overwhelmed. Time passed by, and a friend in the game sent a message, asking me why I wasn’t online yet. There was really no way, I dragged her back to my residence, mentally and physically on the verge of collapse. Along the way, she vomited twice, once on the stone bridge at the gate of the school, where it merged with the rushing sewage below, and the second time was in the corridor, I slapped her back hard, she vomited while introspecting , I can drink this little wine, not much.进屋之后，她一头栽倒在床上，我去厨房烧水，回来见她换了个姿势，单腿外露，夹着我的被子，咬住一角，迷迷糊糊地说，你可别碰我，听见没，不然我他妈饶不了你。我说，你放一百个心，我绝对不，但你也得答应我，想吐提前说话，不要弄到床上，我没法收拾。邱桐说，真他妈没良心，这些年我是怎么过来的，谁能明白呢，我心里很苦。我说，人生之苦，始于有欲，或尊至帝王，或卑如草芥，皆念念不得逃脱，神明上苍，怜世人此般疯痴，乃采朝露，撷晚霞，绕越云雾，炼化五色奇石，育成灵兽种种，方置成幻境一处，名曰太虚，凡入得此地者，有志抒志，望利得利，钟情得情，以解世间之苦也。还没等我说完，邱桐便睡着了，一呼一吸，散出浓烈的酒味，如贪杯酣眠的小兽。
太虚幻境的副本我打了四次，集结群雄，改换两套装备，均以失败告终。食人草，琴仙子，火麒麟，被无限复制出来，层层叠叠，蜂拥而至，我守在一处，招数用尽，无论怎么布置，始终无法应对。整个屏幕上，皆是无状之状，无物之象，提示着我：幻境情志缠绵，一旦陷入，便无可逃脱。打到最后一局，已近凌晨，邱桐清醒过来，穿着我的拖鞋，自己去倒了一点热水，双手捂着茶杯，站在椅子背后，也不讲话。待我关掉电脑，沮丧地决定中止这个失败之夜时，她小声问我说，头还是很痛，能不能陪她躺一会儿。
我重新铺好被褥，松开绑带，用力将窗帘拉严，最初的这一抹晨光里，久积的灰尘滚滚倾泄，在空气里游动，无声漂浮，落入我们的呼吸。邱桐穿着外套，还觉得冷，我将被子对折起来，全部覆在她身上，自己侧身缩于墙壁一侧。我说，睡着了就不冷了。她说，我到底喝了多少酒？我说，没数，记不清。她说，感觉也没多少。我说，不重要，心情问题。她说，可能喝的是假酒。我说，那不至于。她说，这酒叫什么名字，以前没喝过。我说，黑冰。她说，听着像毒品。我说，这个还行，零售也要一块五一瓶，不是最次的，本地还有一款更难喝的，叫作公牛，味道接近于稀释过后的尿液，喝醉一次，保你三天起不来床，头疼得想给卸下来，看见酒字儿都迷糊。她说，黑冰，公牛，名字太怪了，行动代号似的。我说，也还好吧，名可名，非常名。她说，提到公牛，我总能想到那个篮球队，芝加哥公牛，你知道吧，我小时候不认识美国，也不知道什么芝加哥，听电视里老提，一直以为说的是石家庄，石家庄公牛队，也挺顺口，反正都仨字儿。我说，芝加哥，石家庄，可能也差不多，都很国际化。她说，我以前对国外没概念的。我说，我现在也没有啊。她说，跟你说个事情，我要出国了，下个学期做准备，学语言，毕业之后就走，不知道什么时候能回来，也不知道回不回来了，所以这次过来看看你。我说，去石家庄啊？她说，没跟你开玩笑，日本吧也许。我说，没想到，你妈这么厉害，打麻将也能送你出国，确实佩服。她说，不是，不是我妈的钱。我说，有人包养你了？她说，滚犊子，我爸的。我说，你爸？她说，对。我说，你爸不进去了吗？给果树喷药，一嗒嗒，二嗒嗒，三嗒嗒，四大爷。她说，骗你的，还真信，我爸不是后勤主任。我说，那是？她说，地洞里的那具尸体，其实是我爸，快十年了，赔偿金刚发下来，他以前是化工厂的厂长。我说，我操。她说，尸体也不止一具，还一个女的，厂里的会计，坐办公室的，也在同期失踪，不太确定，但应该是她，我还见过两回，能说爱笑，梳着大波浪，见了我就搂着，可亲了，性格特好，他们俩死前抱在一起，难解难分，加上腐蚀严重，处理草率，当时就以为是一个人。我说，原来如此，你妈肯定挺恨他们的吧。她说，也还行，就那样，活着肯定恨，死了就算了。
我起床撒了个尿，冻得直哆嗦，也是奇怪，不过八月份，夏天却正在褪去，空气渐冷，外面安静且萧条，像是沈阳刚入冬时，尚未供暖，寒风不息，四处透着阴，嘶嘶低叫，直往怀里窜。尿到一半时，我想到有一部电影里说过，我不害怕痛苦，当你生活在寒冷里的时候，你会感到爱的痛苦，并且无法割舍。爱不爱的，我不太有把握，痛苦是切实存在的，也难以舍离，这一点我深有体会。它们往往会转化为一种钻石，近于不朽，闪烁着坚硬的光，将我们的生活切剖开来，一分为二。我很懊悔，没在她处境艰难的时刻去重庆看望，向她倾诉，关于那些不太结实的情谊，我没那么喜欢她，只觉得理应这样去做，如若不然，便如此刻，我的慰藉再也无处安放了。我不知道她是否还记得，喝醉后对我说过的另外一些事情，不是语言、教育或者感情问题，也不是那两具尸体。她说，总有一个声音，仿佛从腹中上升，萦绕着她的手与心，眼和肩，对她说道：这就是你的选择，你无非想要如此。现在，这个声音也回荡在我的耳畔。
电影《小武》
我躺回到床上，邱桐仰着面，半闭着眼，将被子分过来一部分，我搭在腿上，翻了个身，斜卧在她旁边。我问她说，你想去哪里转一转，睡醒了我陪你。她说，你不至于因为这个来同情我吧，真没必要。我说，没那意思，忽然有点醒悟，你来一次也不易，再见不知何年何月了。她说，别了，要么你带我打打游戏。我说，什么？她说，刚才看了半天，感觉还挺有意思的。我说，你要愿意，那我没问题。她说，是不是还分个门派？我说，对，武当，少林，丐帮，五毒，昆仑，唐门。她说，女孩儿一般选什么啊？我想了想，说，峨眉吧，也分为两类，一种使琴，峨眉俗家，断水迷心，造成对方大范围混乱；一种用剑，峨眉佛家，加攻加血，藏于万人之后。她说，后面一种能帮到你，对吧。我说，是，战场上必不可少，能迅速提升状态，我们一般管她们叫佛，只是辅助，没有什么伤害，杀不死人，玩着不太过瘾，所以很少有人去选择，茫茫武林，铠甲万千，一佛难求啊。她说，那行，我来当佛。
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《缓步》特惠售卖中
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