“I count to three, if I don’t turn it off, I will confiscate the tablet!”
“1, 2, 3, time is up, bring it!”
“It’s no use crying, you’ve been watching cartoons for too long!”
“If you refuse to close it every time you watch it, I won’t show it to you next time!”
“Okay, okay, don’t cry, you are obedient, and mom will take you to buy ice cream later!”
Having dinner with some mom friends on the weekend, the movement of a mother and child at the next table was a bit loud, so we couldn’t help secretly “looking sideways”. One can tell at a glance that this is a common “off cartoon” battle in every household. No matter how intimidating the mother is, the baby is still relentless, and in the end he can only jump around.
Image source: “An Jia”
The mothers at the same table shook their heads again and again, and after a sigh, they started to complain——
“Exactly like my house, every time I turn off the TV there is a world war!”
“I feel that the TV is connected to my son’s emotional switch. When it is turned on, it makes me laugh, and when it is turned off, it explodes!”
“My family agreed to five minutes, but when the time is up, I cry and watch it for a while. It’s endless every time!”
“Grandpa and grandma can’t hold him at all. They always say that they can’t turn on the TV and don’t eat, but the more they watch it, the slower they eat!”
“Which one watches TV, my family plays tablets and games, all of them are like magic, every time I grab a tablet, it’s a tough battle…”
Image source: “An Jia”
Mothers who can’t do anything are full of bitterness, facing a baby who can’t stop watching TV and tablets, what should they do to establish good rules and scientifically limit screens?
I cry when I turn off the TV,
It’s not that the child didn’t cooperate on purpose.
It seems that it is a bit unreasonable for a baby who will cry every time it is “shut down”.
But if you carefully understand the psychology behind it, you will find that their crying is justified. On the contrary, parents who simply and rudely “shut it off” do a little bit more harm to their children.
1. The Zeigoni Effect: the obsession of human nature to pursue integrity
In life, we will find a strange phenomenon——
In order to play the game until we pass the level, we can stay up all night; in order to watch a whole game, we are willing to go to work the next day with dark circles under our eyes; in order to catch up with the drama to the finale, even if we yawn again and again, we still stay up late and refuse to sleep…
In psychology, this is called the Zeigarnike effect (the Zeigarnike effect) – in human nature, there is a strong obsession with “getting things done”. When the desire is not fulfilled, the psychological needs of “completeness” will cause people to worry about it. [1]
Therefore, unfinished cartoons, unfinished games, unfinished ice cream, unfinished slides…all make children miss and cry. The obsession with “consummation” makes the child obsessed with the lack of “unobtainable”, and then loses his temper.
At this time, the crying is not because the child has a bad temper, nor is it because the child does not follow the rules, but because the “unobtainable things are always in turmoil” in his heart, which makes him hard to let go.
2. Blockage of dopamine: The brain reward mechanism is suddenly suspended, causing pain
If you are dreaming a sweet dream, you are suddenly woken up; you are singing a song, but you are suddenly interrupted; you are eating delicious food, and the dishes are suddenly knocked over; ?
This kind of happiness is suddenly interrupted, and the emotional impact brought about is the same as that of a child who is suddenly ordered to turn off while watching animation or playing a game.
Image source: “An Jia”
Social psychologist James Olds (James Olds) once discovered that dopamine stimulates the “reward center” in an experimental error, which produces pleasure and makes people want to stop doing something.
In the experiment, Olds accidentally installed the wrong electrodes on the mice. It turned out that when the electric shock brought pleasure, these mice would actively accept the electric shock, pressing the lever up to 5,000 times per hour, and pressing continuously for 15 to 20 hours , until he died from exhaustion. [2]
There is a reward system in the prefrontal cortex and ventral striatum in our brain. Watching TV, playing games, and watching videos will activate the transmission of dopamine in the reward channel, which makes people feel happy, so that people continue to enjoy it, and finally “success” addiction”.
Picture source丨Tuchong Creative
And animation companies and game companies, in order to catch the attention of children and capture their favor, have also made great efforts to study the psychology of customers.
The ups and downs of the plot, the interlocking game links, and the “intermittent reinforcement rewards” from time to time all firmly attract the children’s attention, making them shrouded in the obsession of the “Zaigoni effect”, and deeply Trapped in the “sweet trap” brought by dopamine , you will be fascinated as soon as you turn it on, and it will be difficult to extricate yourself once you fall into the pit.
At this time, suddenly turning off the TV and tablet is equivalent to cutting off the transmission of dopamine for children, interrupting the immersive experience of the brain, and making them quickly fall from the happy paradise. Forcibly cutting off will bring pain-like feelings to the brain, so the child can’t help crying, even screaming.
3. Emotional power is still weak: self-adjustment ability needs to be strengthened
Obviously I didn’t abide by the rules, obviously my parents have given me a step, and I understand the truth, but I still can’t control my crying and fussing!
Don’t blame the kids. For preschool children, the frontal lobe responsible for emotional regulation and rational thinking develops slowly in the brain, and the “emotional brain” has the upper hand. “Just one point” is the brain’s natural stress response.
Therefore, children at this stage have poor emotional self-control, are prone to crying, and can only use tantrums to express the pain and frustration caused by “shutdown”.
Picture source丨Tuchong Creative
At this time, telling the rules to a child who is emotionally upset is like telling a drunk person to be sober, and all you do is useless.
Only by helping the child’s “emotional brain” to slow down and allowing the “rational brain” to play a role and take the dominant position, can the child be more able to listen to the truth and more willing to cooperate.
Before dealing with the “shutdown” problem, it is important to deal with emotions.
Don’t yell, don’t yell, science “limit screen”
It can’t be turned off hard, and it can’t be left alone, so how can the child take the initiative to “shut down”?
The method is actually not difficult, all that is needed is a change in concept.
Children’s self-discipline is not born, it needs the guidance of parents acquired. When helping children establish rules, our position should not be a superior leader, nor should we be a policeman who keeps an eye on thieves, but a companion who can be on the same side as the child and can empathize with the heart.
1. Follow the “Zaigoni Effect”: “Watch an episode” instead of “Watch another 5 minutes”
Since “unfinished” will make people worry about it, then reduce the child’s obsession with “consummation”.
Every time you make an appointment with your child to play games or watch animations, don’t say “I’ll give you another 5 minutes”, but “watch this episode” and “finish this level”, so that the child can complete one thing from beginning to end , no worries, then their resistance will be much lower.
Secondly, children who have a shallow understanding of time have no concept of “a few minutes”, and it will be easier to understand when it is converted into a measurement method of “several episodes, several levels, and several times”.
2. Countdown reminder: help children’s brains successfully complete the “end” transition
Agreeing on the rules for shutting down the phone with your children does not mean once and for all. When a child is immersed in the screen world, the brain is deeply trapped in it, and it is difficult to consciously withdraw from it. At this time, parents can do a few more small things besides the agreement:
1. Sit next to the child and discuss the plot with him
As mentioned earlier, what we want to do is not to give children a sense of oppression, to make them feel monitored and urged, but to be a good companion who can enter the child’s heart.
So, sit gently next to your child and chat with him about the stories that are happening on the screen with great interest! Ask him, “What happened to the protagonist?” “Is the problem solved?” “Which character is your favorite?”
Picture source丨Tuchong Creative
As long as the child turns his head to answer your question, in fact, it means that his brain has come out of the closed state of being fully absorbed and entered a state of flow.
At this time, slowly chat to build a bridge to “change the track” and divert the children’s attention from the plot. Then, there will be no pain caused by the sudden blockage of dopamine.
For example, “Piggy Pig needs to go home and take a bath after jumping in the mud pit? The baby will watch TV later, do you want to take a bath or eat first?”, “Today’s episode is so interesting, we will take a nap tomorrow, Let’s watch the next episode!”
Eliminate hostile emotions, eliminate sudden withdrawal, and eliminate the child’s resistance to crying.
2. Advance notice, teach children to see the progress bar
Children can’t read time, but they can understand a little moving progress bar.
Therefore, we can remind the child to look at the progress bar at the end of each time:
“Oops, is the end of this episode coming soon? Where did the progress bar go?”
“Mom close your eyes, if the progress bar is up, will the baby turn off the TV by itself?”
“Hey, there’s no sound anymore, isn’t it time for the baby to turn it off?”
“It’s amazing that the baby does what he says!”
It not only allows the child’s brain to receive the end notice in advance, but also shifts the attention from the plot to the progress bar. It can also make the child more cooperative and active by gaining the autonomy to “shut down”.
Picture source丨Tuchong Creative
3. Leave the scene and switch to other game scenes
Sometimes children are too addicted and unwilling to cooperate, so we can take advantage of children’s natural love to play and turn “shutdown” into various interesting games.
“Baby can’t find the button to turn off the phone, Ultraman, please help him!”
“Hey, Ultraman can’t turn off the TV even after launching a shock wave. How else can you turn it off?”
“Oh, the monster is here, it took the remote control away, where is it hidden? Baby, can you find it?”
When the child’s eyeballs are attracted by other games, the brain unconsciously walks out of the virtual world.
Children immerse themselves in electronic screens because it is fun; then when there are more interesting things in life, they will abandon electronic screens!
4. Gentle and firm: firm execution, gentle empathy
So, what should you do if you encounter a child who gets carried away, ignores the rules, and willfully repents?
It’s too normal to say that they can’t do it, after all, they are only a few years old. Therefore, in the process of guiding their children, parents must be patient and able to withstand their children’s capriciousness. The formation of good habits cannot be achieved overnight. People’s self-discipline is cultivated step by step in the tempering of swinging from side to side and painful struggles.
When the agreed shutdown time is up, it must be executed. If the child violates the rules, he can only bear the agreed “behavioral consequences”, such as reducing the time to watch TV tomorrow. Being firm can help children gradually understand the meaning of “rules” and accept the existence of rules.
Children will have emotions, cry, and be sad. These are normal phenomena, but parents should not be led by the child’s emotions at this time, and become angry because of anger, and try to suppress them with threats, reprimands, and punishments. child. Instead, you should maintain a peaceful mood, comfort and encourage your children, “If you follow the agreement next time, you can watch it. Let’s work hard together tomorrow. Mom reminds you in advance, and you also take the initiative to turn off the TV, okay?”
Gentle and firm, can let the children gradually get out of their emotions, and understand that the shutdown is not intentional by the parents, but “the rules are like this”.
Parents understand what he wants to see, and accept the sadness he can’t see, and are willing to accompany him to “obey the rules, control desires, and keep opportunities”. Parents, then, are not enemies but allies.
It is more important to develop children’s habit of obeying the rules than whether they can “shut down” smoothly.
The love and trust of parents is a powerful driving force for children to do better.
Live preview
Today (January 5th) from 11:30 to 13:30 noon , we will invite a number of teachers to take you a set of bird- watching & animal-watching research routes that are suitable for taking children to play in spring!
From the lightweight introductory routes around the city to the palace-level natural destinations that go deep into the mountains, we will explain the natural geographical features of these route destinations and the species that may be encountered , and teach you how to bring your baby to get close to nature and have wonderful experiences. Encounters of all things in nature!
For more exciting content, welcome to the live broadcast room to experience with us!
Editor 丨Antelope, observer of human cubs.
References丨[1] “Introduction to Psychology: 50 Interesting Psychological Effects” by Ming Dao, Xiyuan Publishing House, August 2020
[2] “Analysis of Addiction and Brain Reward System” https://ift.tt/JSdbGA6
The source of the title image丨Figure Chong Creative
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