“Do you have definite suicidal thoughts?” the doctor sitting across from me asked me solemnly.
“I think it’s boring to live, but I don’t want to commit suicide.” I replied nervously.
One day in March this year, I came to the Adult Psychiatry Department of Peking University Sixth Hospital, trying to solve my depression problem with the help of modern medicine. To be precise, it is a long-term persistent bad mood, and recently the symptoms of early awakening have been added.
I tried to lighten up that day, wearing baggy sweatpants and delicate makeup to hide my anxiety and depression. Perhaps the deeper reason is that I don’t want to see the word “depression” on my diagnosis report.
After a brief conversation and exchange, I was arranged to undergo a series of examinations, including near-infrared brain function imaging, EEG and electrocardiogram, etc., as well as five psychological tests.
I did a series of checks. ｜Photo courtesy of the author
The doctor glanced at the examination report and finally wrote six words on the diagnosis sheet: depression and anxiety .
“We generally don’t make a diagnosis of depression lightly, because we’re worried they’ll be biased,” she said. ” But you’re in a state that can actually diagnose moderate depression. “
So I left the clinic with a bunch of white flowers and started my antidepressant journey.
To be a sleep-deprived volume king in a big Internet company,
Or go back to the haven of peaceful sleep?
After returning to Beijing after Chinese New Year this year, I started to wake up early. Just started, fell asleep at 1am and woke up at 5:30am. A week later, I went to bed later and later, but I woke up earlier and earlier. Lack of sleep, groggy at work during the day. After two weeks of this state, I decided to seek medical attention.
I know exactly why I am doing this.
At the end of 2020, I switched jobs. Just like the labels you see on the internet— big internet companies, 996, anxiety—this new job exhausted me physically and mentally . Data indicators with no end in sight, workplace involution, and all kinds of disorganized things have all caused me to sink into a low mood after 3 years of graduation.
The cause of the incident was a malicious bad performance review. Since then, my whole body has been in a tense state, my mood at work has been suppressed to the extreme, and the quality of sleep has plummeted.
During that time, I started doing regular counseling. 1 or 2 telephone consultations every month, after half a year, I finally made it to the New Year to go home.
When I got home, I felt like I was back in a safe haven, sleeping up to 9 hours a day. But I didn’t expect that after returning to Beijing, my condition was worse than before, so the scene at the beginning of the article appeared.
In the past, I didn’t understand the truth about the depressive nature of work. After experiencing this job, I suddenly understood: a job that is not suitable for you is like carving a scar on your soul .
Finally, the wound could not heal on its own.
I’m starting to understand the truth that work is depressing. ｜Photo courtesy of the author
First experience with antidepressants:
Sleepy until the eyelids fight, but at least no more insomnia
When I left the clinic, I had three medications in hand. One of the antidepressants, escitalopram oxalate, is said to make people feel better. The remaining two categories are sleep-regulating drugs.
After getting the diagnosis, I was very torn about whether to take medicine or not. What about the side effects of antidepressants? What should I do if I can’t stop after taking the medicine? These thoughts have been running around in my head.
Later, I consulted a friend who studied medicine. His suggestion was that if I felt that my sleep state could be adjusted temporarily, I could consider not taking sleep medicines. But he suggested that I take citalopram first: “After all, your emotions are no longer able to self-regulate, and according to the results of your doctor’s visit, I am worried that you will turn from moderate depression to severe depression in the future.”
“You know, someone with major depressive disorder can have an uncontrollable suicidal desire,” he continued. ” I don’t want you to go that far. “
This sentence frightened me. At the time, I was working from home in Beijing and could rest at any time during the day, so I chose to start taking antidepressants .
It was half a tablet at first, and the initial reaction was a bit big, such as stomach discomfort, no appetite for two days, vomiting in the middle of the night, and after tossing, I lost a few pounds.
Later, the stomach seemed to adapt to the antidepressants, and the brain began to respond. The most common reaction is drowsiness, often after waking up at 10 am, eating a meal at noon and going back to sleep, sometimes even spending half the afternoon in sleep. Around ten o’clock in the evening, the eyelids started fighting again.
This kind of day lasted for about half a month. With the help of antidepressants, at least I no longer have insomnia . And really feel the effect of the drug, probably some morning after two weeks.
When I woke up that morning, I accidentally heard birdsong outside. At that moment, I felt a certain peace of mind. This kind of calm is more precisely peaceful, not in a hurry or irritable, but also with some small excitement.
Since then, my condition has improved little by little.
My condition is getting better little by little. ｜Japanese drama “I, get off work on time”
What does a workplace struggle have to do with me?
I started to “play bad”, laughing from work to get off work
I actually know a lot about depression. I have read relevant papers and books a long time ago, so I can go to the hospital for help in time when I have symptoms.
I also understand that depression is not simply a bad mood. Like fever, cold and cough, it is a disease with a physiological basis, requiring regular treatment and, if necessary, drug intervention.
But is medicine alone really enough?
The last straw that broke the camel’s back was huge work pressure and complicated interpersonal relationships. How about pushing it further? Is there a problem with your attitude and perception of work? Or is there a conflict between your own personality and the world?
Based on the above, how can I solve it?
I did one thing first – started to “rotten” at work. To be “rotten” means to get away from any source of stress at work , and to temporarily place yourself in the position of a worker , getting paid to do a job. I started to stop worrying about the bad data of a certain video, and I began to turn a blind eye to the workplace struggle, and it was no longer easy to get on top of it.
While working from home, I finish my work in the morning and start enjoying the rest of the time to the fullest. During that time I watched a lot of movies, climbed a lot of mountains, rewatched Positive Psychology, even picked up the ukulele and played music again…
During those days of rest, I seemed to really feel what a normal life looks like. It turns out that breathing freedom is like this .
It turns out that breathing freedom is like this. ｜Photo courtesy of the author
After a brief home office life, I went back to work, told my colleagues and leaders that I was diagnosed with depression, and put the pills on the table. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not a good thing for the next treatment to be concealed even about being sick.
And I was fortunate enough to meet an optimistic and humorous colleague. Every morning when I came to the company, my task was to tell him jokes. Believe it or not, we can laugh from work to get off work. With such happy colleagues around me, how can I be depressed?
Of course, someone will definitely ask: “How does your boss endure this kind of work attitude?” Well, from the moment I was put off, I was ready to change jobs or be fired. It’s a big deal, it’s nothing.
It’s a big deal, it’s nothing. ｜Japanese drama “I, get off work on time”
From reduction to withdrawal:
I can laugh at the little things in life
From my depression diagnosis in March to August, my body and mind were completely relaxed, and I lived my life almost every day. I no longer compete with meaningless work, and I don’t push myself – I “narcissistically” think I’m the best in every situation .
I changed my WeChat signature to “Every day is a good day”, and then I took my medicine on time, followed up on time, went to bed on time, exercised on time, read on time, and played with friends on time.
In mid-June, I would like to try stopping the medication. At the beginning, I also reduced the dose to half a tablet, but I soon experienced withdrawal reactions, such as my mood began to sway, and I felt inexplicably crying at certain moments at work, so I quickly resumed the dose.
In mid-July, I tried reducing the amount again. Maybe it was because I found a new job, or maybe it was because I was really relaxed physically and mentally, and the withdrawal reaction didn’t show up this time.
After going to the hospital, I suggested to the doctor whether I could temporarily stop the drug because I am in much better condition now than I was 4 months ago. “ Generally, the treatment of depression takes 6 months to 1.5 years, but it varies from person to person. “ She continued, “You can try to stop for a while, I’ll give you a month’s dose, and then No more eating.”
It has been more than two months since I stopped taking the medicine, and my life is much better than before. The biggest improvement is that my ability to experience happiness is much stronger now than before , and the slightest jump in life can make me laugh out loud.
In the first half of 2022, I finally learned to love myself well.
My ability to experience happiness is now much stronger than before. ｜Photo courtesy of the author
Personal experience sharing does not constitute diagnosis and treatment advice, and cannot replace a doctor’s individual judgment on a specific patient. If you need to seek medical treatment, please go to a regular hospital.
Another TA had a similar experience, please click here for TA’s story and doctor’s comments.
Author: Ant
Editor: One Tonjin, Li Xiaoqiu
Cover image: Pixabay
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