Original link: https://paugram.com/essay/my-thoughts-about-fall-in-love-or-get-married.html

The content of this article has been revised and improved intermittently for more than a month, but the blogger believes that there are still some problems, and there may be minor adjustments in the future

Unconsciously, I have been single for more than 20 years, and it is 520 a year. I think it is time to say something from my own perspective.

Let me briefly start with a few topics to share my personal thoughts on dating/marriage. The content may change slightly in the future, so let me post everything I think of for the time being.

inferiority complex

I came from an average family and there was often a feeling of lack of self-confidence deep down. But my mother would often tell me: “Being less than the top is more than the bottom”, which is indeed the case. My parents are both from rural areas, lacking in material resources, and everything is hard work. Now we live a life where we don’t have to worry about food and clothing, and can satisfy our interests and hobbies, which is actually pretty good.

But if marriage is considered, the woman’s parents will definitely think about the man’s financial situation and don’t want the woman to suffer. This undoubtedly puts a lot of pressure on the man (difficult) to buy a house and a car at every turn. This requirement has already been persuaded. Quite a lot of gay men too. Unlike my parents’ time, there were basically no special requirements, and they just got married when they felt suitable.

In today’s era of high housing prices and low income, not everyone can “work hard for a while” in exchange for happiness. The standard of happiness varies from person to person. I think it is enough to have a down-to-earth work life and achieve a reasonable balance of income and expenditure in line with one’s own financial situation. As an ordinary person, there is really no need to pursue face too much, you have to have everything, and you have to buy the best. Face is actually the least valuable thing, and friends who just judge you by looking at your appearance may not be beneficial to you.

If the woman (if there is one) and her family have too high expectations of me, and there are various conditions for me, then such a marriage is indeed unnecessary. After all, this does not necessarily lead to the result of 1 + 1 > 2, and there are too many such things, and the families of both parties are also tired, right?

circle gap

I am a programmer, and my hobbies are relatively single. It is estimated that the only ones I can bring up are animation and games, which can be understood as a typical otaku image. I have been weak in sports since I was a child, and I am not very cold about basketball, and I am afraid of getting hurt. The only exception is that before the epidemic, I would often go swimming. And what I am currently best at belongs to the category of computer technology. Most people will not understand what I am doing and what is the significance.

Therefore, there are relatively few people who can have a topic or even resonate with me. Now they are basically at home except for work, and there is no place to play. There are only so many good friends, and it is difficult to expand the social circle. single. Today’s young people are not willing to give up, and I am the same. Who doesn’t want to find a soul mate who resonates with them?

You might say, then expand your hobbies. The current society is relatively impetuous, and work has consumed a lot of energy. It is actually quite difficult to calm down and learn something.

I used to like art very much, and through some animation or game works, I could come up with some wild ideas and even draw them. But now I have much higher aesthetic requirements for myself. Even if I start studying again, the results I can produce in a short period of time really cannot meet my spiritual needs, and I cannot get satisfaction and a sense of recognition. Moreover, the process consumes a lot of time and energy, and it is easier to give me a feeling that time has passed in a trance, but in the end I have learned nothing.

And what I often do now – writing the front-end code of the website, there will always be a better result, at least I feel that the time I spend is worthwhile, and it is something that can be shown to others, rather than simple and rough. kind of.

Friendship activities or social death activities

Another way to expand contacts is to take the initiative. I also mentioned my lack of self-confidence. For me, who is relatively shy, it is also difficult to meet people through social activities. Some boys are particularly easy to be sought after by girls, but they are generally labeled as “scumbags”. They may not be too shy in nature, and they know a lot of girls, so it may not be a problem to flirt with them on the street. They are more confident about falling in love, and they will not be afraid like me.

The city where I live has a relatively authoritative youth group that organizes dating activities. Before that, their adults always encouraged us bachelors to try it out. If you want to participate, you must fill in the application form, and you can participate after screening. The content and theme of each issue are different, but the general process basically starts with a small activity: such as drinking coffee, food tasting, talent show, handicrafts, playing card games and so on.

Just looking at the content of this kind of activity, it may be really good, but for me, these are basically not enough. Even if I have the opportunity to go, I feel that the result is extremely embarrassing. may be fine). And the age groups may not match, the difference is too big, even if you know each other and add friends, you may not have the opportunity to chat later.

Falling in love or falling in love

Even if I really know a girl who is interested in me, will the process of falling in love with her be smooth? Really not. If the performance of the computer is too poor to write code, you can change it, and if there is a bug, you can correct it. There is not much cost of trial and error, and you can fall in love…

There is no door-to-door love, only door-to-door deception

Recently, on 520, I posted a bit of complaints in Moments (because everyone is showing affection, and I have nothing to show), but in the comment area, I learned that a good brother of mine has recently split up. Chatted with him, he said that he spent nearly 3W after talking with her for nearly a month, and I stopped in Bengbu as soon as I heard this sentence. The desktop computers I assembled at the end of last year only add up to about 1W. In order to ease the financial pressure, I made my wallet feel less painful, and even made interest-free installment payments. It’s really hard to imagine, why can they spend so much on a relationship?

Him: 2W for her, and then 1W for eating and drinking

He also worked hard in Shenzhen for a long time, and went to a good company, and now the salary is much better than mine (he is an Android client developer, and the salary is indeed much higher than my front-end). Obviously, the pressure on him to fall in love smaller than me. What’s ridiculous is that he spends as much money as he earns. He has talked a lot, and this is the first time he has encountered such an out-of-the-box situation. (Although he did not give less to his predecessor, even the money for driving lessons was paid by him)

To put it bluntly, he has done a big wrong, and honest people are the best cheaters (I have to say, many of my friends who are programmers also have this personality). Maybe such a girl is just for fun and won’t take you in her heart at all. Similar sentences have been circulating on the Internet for a long time, and it is even impossible to trace back to the original author.

Let me just say this, in fact chasing girls is very simple, as long as boys are patient and take the initiative to spend more time on her, spend more time playing with her, spend more money to buy what she likes, it won’t take long, You will know what it means to be in vain

On the night I chatted with him, he drank alone at the bar and said that it was the first time he spent 520 alone. As a bystander, I also chatted with him until nearly 3:30 before going to bed, and I had to feel sorry for his current situation.

He: Make good money, I want to save money too, what kind of relationship is it, how cool it is to be alone

He might have enjoyed being in a relationship to the point where he was starting to get tired, don’t forget, I was alone the whole time. Even if we talk about it, it still depends on what kind of person the other person is. In the current social situation, boys are generally humble, so that they tolerate each other everywhere in the process of dating, but they are very tired.

Mainland women are mostly self-centered, and they always have a condescending attitude in the relationship between the sexes. The most frequent communication is I think, I want, I think, I think, I hardly care about the man’s thoughts and take care of the man’s feelings, It often makes men feel very “tired”. If they want to escape after a long time, they will paralyze themselves. Therefore, Taiwan compatriots sometimes feel that mainland boys are very sad. Maybe most of them have never experienced a period of normal life in their entire lives. A good relationship between the sexes, let alone a pleasant relationship, talking about marriage is more like a task.

So what is the meaning of falling in love to me? First of all, I must hope to find someone who likes each other. Who doesn’t like novelty, someone like me who has never talked about it, why not try it. No matter how bad it is, it is not a bad choice to use this experience to improve your speaking skills and “emotional intelligence”.

That’s right, I have indeed been criticized for being too low in “emotional intelligence”, and a “relationship” has ended before it even started. There are also related records about this matter in my diary last year, so I won’t repeat it here, and those who are interested can browse it by themselves.

I think that falling in love should not be “playing”, but should be taken seriously. Through this experience, you will gradually get to know and understand each other. If the two parties have established enough trust and their ideas match each other, marriage should not be a problem.

risk of marriage

Even if the love can really come to an end, it will become a wife in a blink of an eye. Then we have to discuss the economic issues mentioned above, how much dowry will the man give, and how much dowry will the woman return to start a new family? How do you plan your life after marriage?

Like the previous case, some girls started talking loudly after they were just in a relationship. What if they got married? Everyone probably knows the problem with the new version of the Civil Code, that is, if the real estate is purchased after marriage, no matter who contributes the capital, it will eventually be allocated to both parties in half. On the surface, this provides protection for women, but in fact the man has also taken a lot of risks, right?

From another perspective, there are also girls who think that they are not guaranteed even if they get married. For example, there will be some men with ulterior motives looking for mistresses, but the divorce results in the division of the woman’s property. If there is an illegitimate child, then the illegitimate child will have to pay child support, which is very disgusting.

I also found a case where the man made the woman very unhappy. This has been circulating on the Internet for a long time:

We recently encountered a very troublesome marriage case, in which a very new problem of housework distribution appeared. I believe that in the future, everyone will encounter similar troubles as long as they have children and raise them, so I will give a detailed introduction to the whole situation. At this stage, we have no way to deal with similar situations because of the design of the system, especially young women hope to read it carefully to understand. It was the woman’s lawyer who introduced the situation to us. From the perspective of money, I think her description is correct.

As a high-paying programmer, the man is a native of a first-tier city, with an average monthly income of more than 40,000, and has an independent marriage house under the name of the man’s mother. The woman married from a second-tier city to a first-tier one. She is also a typical high-educated woman with a monthly income of more than 10,000 yuan. According to the woman, the man had a verbal promise with her that the wedding room was under the mother’s name and could not be named. The man’s income is high, and the two will save money to buy a house together in the future. If you can’t afford it, go to the woman’s hometown to buy it.

At the beginning of the year, the two parties had conflicts again because of the purchase of houses. The woman hoped that the man would honor his promise and spend the money to buy a house. Because the woman feels that the housing price in her hometown has fluctuated greatly, which is worth investing in, and she hopes that the man will use the money to buy a house. After the man refused, the woman just wanted to force the man with a divorce. The simple meaning is that as long as the woman proposes a divorce, the man’s money will be divided anyway, and he has to buy it if he doesn’t buy it.

But I didn’t expect the woman to directly and very firmly want a divorce as soon as she mentioned the man. According to the general situation, this kind of man who works hard overtime and has a high salary is a fat sheep in the divorce market. It would be good to kill a divorced man and get 1 million for the woman to buy a house by herself. But when it came to the divorce process, it was discovered that the man hadn’t saved a penny for so many years. The woman’s income of more than 10,000 yuan has been saved by herself with 150,000 yuan.

From the perspective of financial operations, it means that all the money left over from this man’s monthly income at the end of the month is taken away by his mother. That is to say, although the family expenses have always been managed by the man’s mother on the surface, the accounts, including the expenses of the man’s parents, are all expenditures in the man’s account. Then, the remaining money in a month ranged from 20,000 to 10,000, and it was all cleared by the man on a monthly basis and transferred to the man’s mother.

So does this transfer to the mother count as the transfer of the joint property of the husband and wife? What the man’s lawyer said was that this was the cost of raising the child for the man’s mother. Young men and women in first-tier cities all go to work, where can they have time to take care of their children? It is not a free babysitter for the man’s mother to take care of the child. It is normal to ask for such a small amount of money every month.

You may not realize how troublesome a case like this is when you read this. Those of us who participated in the discussion were all dumbfounded, because this kind of operation has hit a dead spot in our marriage reform. It is really an institutional problem that we cannot solve for the time being. Just be patient and listen to me.

We are talking about giving wholeheartedly and unconditionally to our children. Taking care of children at home is all done by the parents of the children and the elderly, regardless of returns. In recent years, we have introduced the concept of “compensation for bringing children” from Europe and the United States, but we have not introduced transfer payments from others. To put it simply, people think that children should be compensated, and the government will make transfer payments and send money directly to mothers. So you can see a large number of single mothers in Europe and the United States, relying on government transfer payments to live with several children alone.

And our transfer payment is within the family. Most of the Chinese families are low-income women who take care of more children. The housework we have promoted in the past few years is to hope that disadvantaged women can take more of the “marital property” when they divorce. This has also formed a new social consensus. Everyone believes that raising children requires financial compensation, and the money is still paid according to the standard of hiring a nanny at home. Most people in China can’t earn 5,000 yuan a month to pay taxes, but the compensation for raising children is said to be 10,000 yuan a month. Everyone thinks it’s too little.

The biggest problem is still a special national condition. There is widespread intergenerational parenting in our country. Especially in big cities, both parents of children work, and grandma and grandma are taking care of the children. Now we charge extra money for pushing women to bring babies, and the money does not come from the government, but from the family. So should grandma and grandma take money for taking care of their children?

Do you have enough money at home?

If we admit such housework, it is reasonable for the man to transfer money to his mother regularly every month as expenses for raising the baby. What will be the result of the divorce in the above case?

The house belongs to the man’s mother, and the woman cannot leave it. The man is a local, and the child is about to go to elementary school, and the grandma will take care of him for a long time, so it is almost impossible to award it to the woman. Because the man’s deposit is zero, that is, he has not made any contribution to the joint property of the husband and wife, so the divorce or even the woman has to compensate the man and give the man money every month as child support.

what should we do?

Taking care of children counts as housework, and housework requires money, but the little money in the family is not enough. We took this question out to everyone, and there is no answer at present, just hope that everyone can understand the problem inside.

Source: Weibo
Author: sven_shi

It can only be said that I don’t want to be such a man who looks like a fraudulent marriage, nor do I want to meet a woman who wants to seek benefits through the man. A real family should give to each other.

Recently, the news of “subway girls” has been fermented for a long time, and to a certain extent, gender antagonism has arisen, but I think women who can do such shameless behaviors should still account for a very small number of women in the country. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be so many people who “resolutely don’t want to let her go”.

Since she was born in an ordinary family, maybe a girl who is as ordinary as me will be more well-off, right? If you can meet her who shares weal and woe, and is even willing to repay the mortgage together, it is indeed a precious fate.

Tell me about my favorite type

In fact, I feel that there is no type that I can name. Up to now, I have not met one that I really like. I still want to experience that kind of heart-wrenching feeling. Maybe I really care about other people’s opinions, even if I like the other person, will the other person accept me? Even if the status quo is the case, I still hope that she and I can overlap in certain hobbies, for example, both are people in the computer industry, like to play the same game, listen to the genre of music that resonates, and both like the second dimension and so on.

Clean, direct, and neat, these are the most basic standards that I think she should have. Don’t hide, don’t hold back when things happen, and say what you want boldly. As for “female boxing”, I have zero tolerance. What is “female boxing”? You can simply look at this form:

women’s rights	female boxing
I can do what a man can do	Why do I need a man if I can do it?
On their own	cling to
Everything makes me discriminate	I’m weak but I’m reasonable
Labor rates are the same for men and women	Men should work harder
all are created equal	girls are more delicate
same standard	serious double standard
Admire you by strength	Kidnapped by unreasonable morality
equal rights	privilege
Let’s earn money together	man earns breadwinner

Even though the reality is cruel, I am still optimistic about love, and I still hope to meet a suitable person. We cannot change the background of the great era, but we can still find and obtain our own happiness. Things that cannot be changed alone can be changed together.

Thoughts on single experiences

I have been single for so many years, how did I get here? In fact, the second dimension occupies a large part. It is an almost perfect virtual world, which can be regarded as a spiritual sustenance. Maybe it is the same feeling as children like to sleep with dolls.

Big Viagra from MiHoYo also said a few golden words, and I really like many of the characters designed by them. Their existence does make me appear less empty.

“Our core users are otaku.”
“We are otaku ourselves, so we deeply understand the needs of otaku.”
“Otaku are a group of nice, kind, caring, yet pitiful people. They have a strong need to communicate with the opposite sex, but they dare not act because of the huge pressure. We want to solve this need of otaku.”
“Our dream is to let every otaku have his own virtual idol, so that he can bid farewell to loneliness”

Author: Liu Wei
On November 19, 2011, the final of “Xinxin Entrepreneurship Talent”

The most important thing is to try to make your life as fulfilling as possible. I am very busy when I am at work, and when I am not at work, I feel that the vacation time is too long and very boring. When I open QQ and WeChat, almost no one will take the initiative to find me, and I always feel isolated. Writing code and articles is one way, but now it is easy to lose to “laziness” and lack of incentives (reading volume, comments, likes, etc., so please participate and interact more with this article).

As for this article

Some friends may ask, after you wrote this article, is it possible that no girl will look up to you. This article is actually expressing my thoughts, and I naturally hope to be seen. If she thinks I’m not suitable after reading it, then it’s considered a screening in advance, right? Maybe she recognizes my ideas, is interested in me enough, trusts, accepts and tolerates me, so she can become my other half.

And the majority of the main audience of this blog should be more boys? There are very few female independent bloggers, so I might as well describe my thoughts and let you discuss and discuss. If there is a suitable one, it’s okay for you to introduce it to me, okay?

Talk about my thoughts on love/marriage