Original link: https://ljf.com/2023/05/26/1254/
Life is not in great thinking, but in real touch and connection time after time.
1 Close the door and stay away from reality
You need to perceive the incompleteness first, but you perceive that “I” is incomplete, which also means that you see that there are other people besides “I”. At this time, the world enters the world of duality. You don’t have to be perfect, and you can’t be. What is perfect is relationship, that is, when “you and I” meet completely, then perfection happens.
Incompleteness in relationship is better than perfection in loneliness.
So no matter how difficult it is, try to get out. Occasionally loneliness is okay, but if you are always lonely, this kind of loneliness may comfort you at first, but as time goes on, you will find that this dilemma will become more and more difficult to go on.
If you use your mind to interpret emotions, you will go wrong, you will fall into speculation, and in the worst case, you will develop into delusions of persecution. Those who only use their minds to see the world, their thinking seems to be meticulous, but in fact they cannot accommodate other people’s information at all, so what they see is only their own fantasy world.
The real world is chaotic. Even if there is order, it is a natural order that can only be understood and cannot be expressed in words. However, the world imagined by the mind is often extremely clear and extremely orderly.
People who are too lonely to form emotional relationships with others use their brains to interpret external things.
Motivationalism is a common problem in interpersonal relationships. That is, the behavior you initiate, I will consider whether your motive is pure. Correspondingly, I will also consider whether my actions and motives are pure. But if I care too much about motivation, it means that I am very critical of others, and I am also very critical of myself. As a result, I may have done a lot of work and interacted with people a lot, but I was very tired. Or, I simply cut myself off, not doing things or socializing with people.
2 Where there is no response, there is no hope
Not all fatigue can be relieved by rest. The tiredness of loneliness is mainly due to internal friction. It is the tiredness caused by the splitting of an imaginary “I” and an imaginary “you” in your heart, and then the two are constantly fighting. This kind of tiredness cannot be relieved by rest, because when you are resting, you are still alone, and this kind of tiredness caused by inner division will still continue.
The best thing is to have a relationship field that focuses on nurturing relationships.
You must understand this rule: the quality of the interpersonal relationship you build basically matches the ratio of darkness and light in your heart.
Where there is no response, there is no hope. People who grow up in this desperate situation, when there is a lack of response in the relationship (for example, the other party does not reply to themselves in time), they will habitually think that the other party does not like them.
No matter how good you are, how much you have given to others, how talented, how rich, how capable… As long as you can’t give quality responses, your interpersonal relationships—especially intimate relationships will definitely have big problems.
3 The real way to relieve tiredness is to enter into a relationship
The root of the relationship is that you have a mirror, you can see who you are, and then use this mirror to know yourself and expand yourself.
The real way to relieve fatigue is to enter into a relationship. There are two kinds of relationship here: your relationship with people, and your relationship with things. The tiredness in the relationship can be relieved by rest. But even relationship fatigue is often not relieved by solitary rest. When you rest, you still need someone you can trust. Human beings are relational animals, and this statement is true.
Life starts from narcissism, and then it is a process of constantly breaking narcissism. This is easier said than done. I feel that the growth of too many people is constantly accumulating narcissism, and then becoming more and more self-conscious, but finally trapped in loneliness. They may not even feel it.
4 Almighty Narcissism Gets in the Way of Relationships
Narcissism is trying to incorporate others into one’s own system; lover is willing to incorporate oneself into the other’s system; true love is when two people come out of their respective systems and meet.
People who don’t have a good sense of the energy flowing in a relationship are anxious to form a relationship and desperately trying to capture the other person’s information-this sometimes makes them a little slow in their reactions, and then they nervously think about how they should response. Without awareness of this, many people are unaware that they are tense.
Watching words and emotions is not empathy, but guessing of the mind. It doesn’t touch the other person’s emotions very much, because the person concerned mainly uses thinking logic. The emotions involved are the anxiety and fear of the person concerned, and the person concerned is also prone to think things in a bad way. It is actually that the person concerned lived in a state of high anxiety or loneliness in childhood, and it was difficult to establish an emotional connection with others, so he turned to use his thoughts to establish a relationship with the other party. Therefore, the so-called “judgment” is all imagination, even delusion.
In relationships, we are bound to judge others, which begs the question: How sure are you of your judgments about others? Being too sure can give people a sense of certainty and control, but it also hurts possibility. And, it means imposition on others, an invasion. So, even if your judgment is right, the other party will hate it. What’s more, your judgment may well be wrong.
The opposite of certainty is vagueness. Ambiguity can be unsettling and anxiety-provoking, but it also implies possibility. An important measure of creativity is the ability to tolerate ambiguity. Because assertiveness means narcissism, means living in your own head
My own judgment of others is very firm, which is a residue of the baby’s psychology.
Many people will persistently pursue after being emotionally hurt: You must apologize to me, and you must be sincere, and you must meet the expectations in my heart, and then I will forgive you from above. This is the most destructive thing in a relationship.
Respect the narcissism of others as you respect yourself; treat others’ fragility as you treat yourself.
For people in omnipotent narcissism, apologizing means the collapse of their omnipotence and self-disintegration, so it is difficult for them to actively apologize. Moreover, any accident, no matter how big or small, they must find someone to blame. And children are the easiest targets for parents to blame. They are safe and don’t have to worry about being retaliated against.
5 Narcissism in parent-child relationships
After doing consultation for a long time, I found that in some family relationships in our society, power struggle is the main line, and emotions are too lacking.
This is often because, since childhood, their parents and other nurturers have lived in a deep narcissism, and have no interest or ability to have a real interest in them.
6 Compete with others in relationships
When love cannot be experienced, people will compete for superiority and inferiority in the relationship, and try to maintain a sense of control and a sense of subjectivity in the sense of superiority.
There are also people who will never let go of each other’s mistakes, and talk about each other’s past mistakes whenever they quarrel. This is to destroy the self-esteem of the other party at this moment, while maintaining one’s own sense of superiority.
7 Pleaser personality
People who flatter you too much may end up being difficult to get along with. They are like lending money and will try to get it back, and because they magnify their self-worth, they sometimes become “usurers.”
The underlying logic of partnership is intimacy. Intimacy, which can only be attained through authenticity and openness,
We must keep this in mind: being nice to others earns approval and respect, but there is only one way to get close—to be authentic and open.
8 The Nature of Relationships, Who Bears Anxiety For Whom
“The essence of relationship is who projects anxiety to whom, or who bears anxiety for whom.” British psychoanalyst Bion said.
But in many families, it is often the parents who create anxiety for their children, and the young children can’t handle the anxiety and can only suffer.
9 No Trouble, No Matter
People who dare not trouble others are gradually unwilling to let others trouble themselves. Over time, he will live in fatal loneliness, like being shrouded in a hood or a membrane. In fact, the essence of the relationship is to trouble each other. Without trouble, there is no emotion.
A person who lacks enthusiasm can try to be nice to others, but at this time, he will feel a sense of dedication. He has no enjoyment and pleasure, he will feel that being nice to others is like cutting flesh. So, the key is to live the passion so that loving doesn’t feel like giving anymore.
Desire, cry, anger, joy, love, hate, hysteria…these are passions. First, the black passion flows out, and after being hugged, you will find that this is the vitality! Only after the enthusiasm flows, you can enjoy the beauty of the enthusiasm flowing between people. At this time, you will experience that giving and taking, right and wrong are not so important. So the point is, enjoy the flow.
Desires, emotions, etc. dynamics are blessed when they can be caught in a relationship and then they can be expressed in a human way. When they are not caught, they are cursed.
You can try fanaticism in the relationship with a person, or with a thing, or with a thing, that is, you release all your enthusiasm here completely and unreservedly, and have a relationship with this person, thing or thing. To build a deep relationship, to experience the fullness, experience without regret.
10 The degree to which you can be yourself in a relationship is the degree to which the relationship nourishes you
The viscous relationship field tends to lead to a phenomenon: you can’t go wrong. If there is a slight mistake, those eyes will be unhappy.
Unless you can express it freely in a relationship, it is difficult for a relationship to please you directly. This means that in relationships, you are being yourself, not being a good person or a fake person, love and hate, anger and joy, beauty and ugliness, you can let them flow more freely. If it’s hard to do that, the relationship will wear you down.
Free expression, express what? In Freud’s words, expressiveness and aggression. In Winnicott’s words, express vitality. The references to sex and aggression are disturbing, but it’s very real.
The degree to which you can be yourself in a relationship is the degree to which the relationship nourishes you. If being part of yourself is lacking, then no matter how good the relationship looks, it will gradually dry up and wither you.
11 Family Relationships
At its best, the husband-wife relationship is the heart of the family. When this rule is adhered to, the relationship between husband and wife can be called the magic needle of the family. Why? Because a child’s heart must love both parents at the same time, if there is a serious imbalance or even hostility in the husband-wife relationship between the parents, then the child will be easily “torn apart”. If parent-child relationship is the core, it means that the husband first formed a mother-child alliance with the mother-in-law, so a small family is out of balance. Then in an unbalanced situation, it is naturally easy for the daughter-in-law to build an alliance with her children. This forms a cycle.
(2) Regarding the elderly taking care of children
It is not easy for adults to find a sense of existence among each other, but it is easy to find it with children: 1. Children’s hearts are open, easy to connect, and can cure loneliness; 2. Children’s needs are simple. Infect adults; 3. Children are weak, and adults can easily have a sense of superiority in front of children. Parenting is not easy, but these benefits cannot be ignored.
Fundamentally speaking, it means that everyone lives out himself and frees himself from the “role”. Parents know what it’s like to unfold their lives, and therefore encourage their children to go their own way. But if the parents are not “alive” and still in fear, it is difficult to avoid “catching” the child, because the child meets many of their needs.
(5) Parents’ love for their children points to separation
The meaning of life lies in choices, but every choice is a gamble, and the dice used to throw are our physical bodies.
The value of a person’s life lies in the fact that he can make choices.
It is better to be the parent who gives space to the child than to be the parent who is always right.
(6) Sense of sacrifice
“It’s all about the kids.” What it really means is that it’s all about the kids.
(7) Bitterness drama
Some people pursue “I am better than you”, while others pursue “I am better than you”. It’s easy to get that feeling when you’re acting in a bittersweet scene—I’m so good.
(9) Parents who like to control their children
Complexity means beauty and creativity, it means vitality. Complexity means powerful life energy, but castration and death are hidden behind control.
Control is important, but it is best to obey the laws of things, not your own head imagination.
(10) Boundaries in relationships
Whether a person can have independent space is extremely important. In this independent space, he has the final say, and he can shield other people’s gazes and evaluations from the space.
(11) Resolute without hostility and affectionate without temptation
How to reject you? Resolute without hostility. How to love you deeply? Affection without temptation. Psychologist Kohut coined these two poetic phrases. The former means that when I do not agree to you, I will be firm, but not hostile, and will not say that you are wrong. The latter means that if I love, I will love, unconditionally, and will not tempt you to need me. Hostility and temptation are both to make the other party retreat or advance, while avoiding you. Two opposite phrases are, “hesitating with dissatisfaction” and “seduction without affection.”
(12) Escape from the original family
Democracy and autocracy were originally between father and son. When the power of the father is too great and the exploitation of the child is too serious, the young people just run away. This situation caused the old man to make concessions. This is where democracy comes in.
If your family makes you feel suffocated, you can go back less, or even not. This will force some elders in the family to bow their heads to their children.
12 Sexual relations
Too many people find themselves unable to dedicate themselves to loving someone or dedicating themselves to a job. There should be many reasons for this, one of the common reasons is that a deep relationship with a person or thing makes us afraid, we are afraid of falling in love with this person or this thing.
(2) Marriage is about finding a partner, not a dream
When your heart door is fully opened, you have established an “I and you” relationship with him. At that time, you will never lose him, because he is in your heart.
(3) Self-destruction is not love
You have to be true to yourself. When you eagerly and excessively meet all the requirements of a person, you think it is love, but at the same time, it also means that you project the other person as a demanding person who must be satisfied.
(5) Partners with opposite personalities
In a relationship between the sexes, when one party requires the other party to tolerate him unconditionally, and the other party cooperates to a certain extent, the former can easily become a “lunatic” who constantly breaks through the other party’s bottom line, while the latter can easily become a “crazy man” who is trampled on, ignored, and played with. The “cannon fodder”.
(6) Right and wrong game
The game of right and wrong is a big killer of marriage. Playing the game of right and wrong, pursuing my right and your wrong, is to protect my fragile narcissism.
(7) It is easy to fall in love, but difficult to get along
This kind of situation is often seen in marriage: a person thinks that he is strong, but this is actually an illusion, and it is based on the other party’s obedience and indulgence. The more extreme this kind of connivance, the stronger the illusion of the other party.
(9) true love
An important function of true love is to break through the self and achieve integration. To be in love, the ego must be able to “die” sometimes. Also, success can become a limitation. If a role is too successful, you will have a desire to destroy the role, go back to simplicity, and go back to freedom.
“Love” is a word with too many meanings to write clearly, so let’s replace it with “attachment”. Everyone may gradually change themselves from rejecting attachment, first to ambivalent attachment, and then to secure attachment. Rejecting attachment means not believing in being able to establish deep affection with others, so never try. Contradictory attachment is to start to believe but is extremely afraid of losing attachment, and swings from side to side. Safe attachment is to bring deep affection into the heart, and no longer be afraid of losing.
We toss, roll, and fight in love and hate… put on one soap opera after another, just for that moment to come-believe that love exists.
Love activates our lives, and when all emotions flow, we find a sense of being.
Love is best to pursue happiness and joy, so that it can be called love: there is love, there is lust. But the more common drive that drives love is the pursuit of inner fulfillment. Therefore, love is sometimes the most terrifying self-abuse, because it is an attempt to directly resolve the most fearful part of the heart with flesh and blood. May we all pursue true love, where there is love there is love.
13 What is intimacy
In an intimate relationship, presenting your truth is better than meeting the other person’s needs.
14 Others live in my heart
When you have someone else in your heart, when you speak or do something to the other party, the other party will feel the warmth; when you don’t have someone else in your heart, your words and actions can easily become control. In the former, the other party will not only feel the temperature, but also feel that they have free space. In the latter case, the other person will feel controlled and coerced: you have to, otherwise I will be unhappy.
In interpersonal interaction, a particularly important point is: How much room do you have for different opinions or negative emotions. The most common “strangulation” in intimacy and parent-child relationship is that there is no room for different opinions and negative emotions. The most serious situation is not giving the other party a little space, and exerting the greatest pressure to eliminate different opinions and negative emotions, and let the other party agree with your own thoughts and emotions.
How much capacity a person can accommodate depends on how much a person lives in his heart. And that depends on how far he himself has lived in another’s heart. Therefore, if parents want to exercise their children’s emotional intelligence, it is particularly important to make a good container to accommodate children’s different views and negative emotions.
Trust is the abyss. Because trusting someone means opening the door of your heart, but once you open it, you will feel cold outside, and even feel that there is a knife pointed at your heart. Seriously lack trust in others, or basically close the door of the heart. The reason is that in the early life, when the door of the heart is opened, it will be in the wind and frost.
15 The essence of love is to be “seen”
One can also use a relationship to effect a change in energy levels. When the two people in the relationship become more and more emotional, that is, when the depth of the relationship becomes stronger and stronger, this relationship will become a continuously expanding container, and the level of energy expression of each other will increase. Of course, the reverse also often happens: a bad relationship shrinks the two of you more and more.
To see is to love. Everyone is asking the world for a response, and hopefully a positive one.
16 Relationships Created in Collisions
Life is a long road with unlimited scenery. Don’t expect yourself to maintain the so-called “mental health” all the time. It may mean that you have been walking on safe flat ground.
“Life is not in great thinking, but in real touch and connection again and again.”
Communication and interaction means that my information and your information can flow between each other. A good communication is that I allow your message to stay in my heart—it is conceivable that you really have such a field of heart—to stay, and you allow my message to stay in your heart.
In the symbiotic relationship, there is a “symbiotic strangulation”: you and I want to form a community of “we”, but this community should only exist with the will of one person, and of course it is best to be “mine”.
Lovers, colleagues, and even family members all need to issue breakup threats at an appropriate time. Of course, it’s best not to act, not to “do” intentionally, but to do it when you really have such a feeling. In this way, the two parties can know where each other’s scale is, and then make adjustments. Of course, they may really separate. Otherwise, if you really have such a feeling but endure it all the time, the two people will always communicate according to the inherent rhythm, and then they will really break up.
Express the “poison” in the relationship, let it manifest, and see if you can solve it. If it can be resolved, the relationship will continue; if it cannot be resolved, the relationship may end.
Only by unfolding life according to one’s own wishes and establishing real contact with other existences can this be called living.
If living rightly is too dull, there is nothing to praise.
17 Practice Your Aggression
Relationship is everything and everything is for relationship. This is a generalization of psychoanalysis.
Don’t just understand relationship as the relationship between you and people, what you build with everything is relationship.
When raising a child, give the child the feeling that parents welcome you to extend your motivation to us. At the same time, parents will also have some motivation-basically the motivation of kindness and love, which extends to you.
If parents have been rejecting the child’s motivational extension, and even suppressed the child’s motivational extension in other things, then they have become the child’s spiritual executioner-this is not a metaphor, but a fact.
One of the laws of life is: You must maintain a certain amount of social relations, and you must devote yourself to something you love. This is not only to pursue the so-called “achievement”, but also to cultivate one’s own motivation, or “vitality”, or “aggressiveness” to be precise.
18 Be loved because it is true
Because I am good, I deserve to be loved. This is the logic of good people. The truth is, you are loved because you are real. Being authentic will allow you to touch yourself more deeply and become yourself better. The Divinity, or Self, is within you.
The deepest driving force of love is to make oneself complete. In other words, the deepest motivation in the world is to make oneself complete.
Your spontaneity is what truly nourishes you and is the proof of your existence. Instead, the system of behavior you have developed around other people’s feelings, no matter how good it may seem, is not you. You need to understand this deeply, and when you don’t understand enough, you must be numb and depressed.
19 Hate Is As Important As Love In A Relationship
Don’t pretend to be a person who doesn’t hate, hate is as important as love. If there is no hate, and no ability to express it, how do we know what we sometimes do is wrong in a relationship? The expression of hatred can tell the other party, “You hurt me, you should stop your hurting”. If there is only the expression of love in a relationship, it will undoubtedly give us an illusion: I can do anything to you.
20 Expressing Anger Directly Is Respect for a Relationship
All the efforts of life are to pursue this feeling—existence itself is right.
We have to believe in people’s own choices, people’s own choices, that is, their own vitality is stretching. Only in this way can the child stretch and validate his own life as a living energy body.
Expressing real anger directly is a respect for the truth of the relationship, it is not easy to lead to conflict escalation, and it will allow emotions to flow better.
21 Defend your space
Self, greater than relationship – this should be the new universal consciousness of the new era.
When you are in a destructive relationship, whether it is a blood relationship or a love relationship that has been beautified countless times by various movies, novels and even art, as long as it no longer nourishes you, but locks your life seriously , you have to learn to leave it decisively.
Respect your space, don’t let others easily invade; respect your choice, it will let you be yourself.
22 Communication, let us enter the real world from the imaginary world
Communication is the key to getting us from the lonely imaginary world to the real world. At least you have to know that your judgment is just a hypothesis before it is confirmed by others.
Talk to your other self about narcissism
Narcissism is trying to incorporate others into one’s own system; lover is willing to incorporate oneself into the other’s system; true love is when two people come out of their respective systems and meet.
1 Healthy narcissism and omnipotent narcissism
People’s attitude towards themselves, or narcissism, can be divided into four gears: the first gear is the healthiest, it is self-confidence, and its vitality can nourish itself freely; the second gear is arrogant; the third gear, It is hypochondriac, afraid to touch the fragility of the psychological self, and always feels that the physical self is sick; the fourth level is delusion, that is, there is no basis in reality, and it is imagined that you are the most important in the world, such as in Western mental hospitals. Many people think they are Jesus.
A person’s ego must initially be based on this feeling: I am good.
Once enough of the “I’m good” feeling builds up and the core self is established, we have this feeling: No matter how the situation unfolds, I believe that I can control the situation.
The person who absolutely cannot accept criticism is because the basic narcissism of “I am good” has not been formed, so a little “I am bad” information can shatter his ego.
For babies or giant babies, the world is not divided into me and you, but into me and non-me.
2 The almighty narcissism of adults
You expect 100% from everything, and that means you’re constantly beating yourself up because it’s just not going to happen.
3 The degree of almighty narcissism determines the degree of anxiety
This sense of urgency is worst among those who accomplish nothing. Therefore, it has never been the people who are really busy who are the most tired, but the people who have accomplished nothing and are caught in a sense of urgency. They have never stopped “whipping” themselves.
7 Absolutely forbidden sexual superego
When you feel like the whole world is being extremely hard on you, it’s not true, it’s just because you have an inner critic who is incredibly harsh.
A person must have real ability and a real connection to feel his real existence.
12 High desire to control
If you find that you can’t tolerate, the main thing is to be patient, then you’d better leave early, otherwise it will be bad for you, bad for the other party, and bad for the relationship between each other.
Time is a huge container for our various mistakes. The world is also a huge container, allowing you to still have various choices after doing one stupid thing after another.
13 You Can’t Say I’m Wrong
If you’ve been right all along, probably the truth is, you’ve never truly lived.
14 Live in Facts or Live in Emotions?
When many people encounter problems, they immediately fall into serious emotions, and will demand that the outside world conform to their imagination, rather than letting go of their imagination and seeing the truth of the outside world.
When obsessed with right and wrong, people have no way to respect the facts themselves.
15 The most tiring is autistic loneliness
Dedicated to love someone, dedicate to do something, happiness will come.
When you commit to doing something you love, you create a connection with it.
Being with the person you like will become more and more enjoyable, and this is also the occurrence of connection.
Connection means that a relationship is established, the relationship becomes a channel, and energy flows in this channel. This flowing energy is the best nourishment.
Staying in your own world, the autistic loneliness is always accompanied by the frenzied movement of the mind. Also, the mind is running wild to resist the desire for connection, which leads to tiredness.
16 Habitual Procrastination
Severe procrastination patients are fighting against an opposite thing, which can be called “urgency”
Perhaps the most profound cause of habitual procrastination is a lack of trust in the things to be connected, and thus a lack of meaning.
Procrastination, tardiness, grumbling, etc., are mostly related to a basic fact – not being able to be yourself.
17 Fear of involvement
Afraid of devotion, there is such a logic: devotion means that “I” has put in effort, and if there is no result from devotion, then “I” is equal to being denied
The most beautiful things in the world are born of connection, and the best condition for connection is a clear heart
The greatest value of investment is not the external gain or loss, but when you invest, in your deep contact with other existences, you “temper” your own heart.
Talents and achievements are often produced in loneliness, and they cannot help us deal with relationships-this is the essence of human nature and the world.
Power comes from having a deep connection with something.
People who can continue to invest have such a mentality: I may not be able to grasp a thing immediately, but as long as I continue to work hard, I will establish a connection with this thing.
The length of time you invest determines your realm. In this regard, Cai Zhizhong had a very good expression. He said that when you can concentrate for 20 minutes, its value is not double that of 10 minutes, but increases geometrically and exponentially. Similarly, when you can focus for an hour, its value is not the same as focusing for ten minutes, let alone focusing for a day, or even months or years. By analogy, if you focus on one thing for a lifetime, then you may reach the land of no one.
Concentration means that you have established a deep relationship with a thing, and at this time there will be flow. The longer the concentration time, the quality, width and depth of flow will soar.
All value comes from the depth of the relationship you form as a being with another being.
18 True is far better than perfect
Arrogant delusions, such as the pursuit of omnipotence, perfection, extreme, pure beauty, etc., are all due to too little experience of real beauty.
Authentic beauty always happens between two or more people, a relationship.
Authenticity brings intimacy.
Whether a person’s life is “abundant” depends on whether he has a living relationship with other beings.
People who want to pursue perfectionism too much are trying to cover up their inner fears and a heart that is weak when no one cares about them.
“Sincere” is not a reliable word. The only basis for judging is, in this regard, do you have a sense of abundance?
19 Truth is the beginning of practice
Many people lie habitually, and some of them lie because they cover up information about their true selves, and avoid the huge sense of shame when they reveal their true selves and are not responded to. For example, when they were asked about their income, they would say high or low, without revealing the truth. It’s not about profit, it’s not about morality, it’s about self-preservation.
But in fact, after all, people have to take care of themselves first. If you want to build a small world that makes you comfortable, you have to be selfish. If you can deal with selfishness reasonably, you will be more tolerant of selfishness shown by others. Be yourself and allow others to be themselves.
It is a cruel thing to face the truth of one’s own life and the truth of one’s heart, but it is also the most worthwhile.
Without love illuminating your heart, without someone looking you in with warm eyes, you feel unaccepted for who you really are. Not accepted, this is a true expression of ugliness and inferiority complex. But you still have to open your heart and let the love flow into your heart and illuminate your spirituality. We always wait to feel enough love to open our hearts, but the answer is, you have to open your heart to feel love.
Self-growth is not toward perfection, but toward truth.
Many people claim to be sincere, but sincerity is extremely difficult. It has two levels: don’t deceive others, that is, say what you think; don’t deceive yourself, that is, think how you feel. Not to deceive others is very valuable, and people can do it with consciousness, but not to deceive oneself needs to fully understand the subconscious mind, which is extremely difficult.
Seeing is love, so the so-called “confidence” means that your real life is seen in the relationship.
Talk to another self about heart growth
A person with a true self builds his self around his own feelings; a person with a false self builds his self around the feelings of others.
1 Shell of Ego
Think of the self like this: it is like a container with water in it. The shell of the container is a protection, and the water is the life force.
You don’t have to open your heart to everyone.
2 Metaphors of the skin
The first metaphor of the skin is the boundary. If you can’t keep your boundary and your boundary is always invaded, then you are prone to various skin diseases.
The meaning of the boundary is simple: I allow you to approach, so you can approach. The inability to simply say “no” to others means that you cannot keep your boundaries.
Another psychological metaphor for skin is intimacy. The so-called “skin hunger” refers to the desire for intimacy. If the desire for intimacy is met accordingly, the skin feels nourished.
3 self attack
After a frustrating thing happens, the correct way to deal with it is: self-attribution on the level of the matter, but not too much, and can also be attributed to the outside world objectively; self-soothing on the emotional level, and seek support from others. At the same time, let some inevitable emotion (such as sadness) flow. And, no matter how you attribute it and what your emotions are, love yourself.
5 false self
In infants and young children, whether the child can act according to his own feelings, or is submerged in the will and feelings of the parents, is an important demarcation point of fate. The former is the self constructed from one’s own feelings, that is, the real self (true self); the latter is the self constructed from the feelings of others, that is, the false self (false self).
Considering other people’s feelings and being centered on other people’s feelings are two completely different things. If you construct yourself centered on your own feelings and take into account the feelings of others, you will naturally have high emotional intelligence and belong to a relatively complete personality. But to center on the feelings of others is to lose yourself.
It is difficult for people who have lost themselves to live in the present moment. Living in the present is a rare wisdom. This means that you are with everything that is in the present moment, and you have established a complete connection with the existence of the present moment, including yourself. It also means that you accept everything.
In raising children, it is actually best to encourage children to choose freely, that is, to respect the spontaneity of each individual and family, which can be encouraged and supported, but do not use punitive measures lightly. Punitive measures are like a metaphor for death.
7 Naked dreams and the false self
The self is the self, and the ego is the ego. The former is an “I” in a complete sense, and the latter is the mind-self.
“If you lose your humanity, you will lose a lot; if you lose your animal nature, you will lose everything.” My understanding of this sentence is that if a person is too sensible and civilized, it means living in the rules and regulations of civilization and losing his body. This is a huge missing.
One of the most difficult feelings a person can bear is the sense of shame brought about by his own weakness. For example, you are nice to a person, and that person shamelessly takes advantage of you and humiliates you, and you can’t fight back and defend yourself well. At this time, you will feel weak, and you will also berate yourself for being so stupid! If this kind of psychology cannot be resolved, a person will go to darkness, or even become darkness, because darkness will make him seem stronger, or at least better able to protect himself. How to resolve it? The way is to temper yourself and strengthen yourself. Those who want to love, love well; those who want to hate, hate hard; those who want revenge, use all wisdom to retaliate while taking self-protection measures.
Feeling is the proof that a person lives in this world. When your feelings are severely suppressed, you will look for people who care about their own feelings and revolve around their feelings. Turning around the feelings of others will form a false self.
There are two kinds of existence: the existence that your mind has woven, whose word is “should,” and the real existence, whose word is “is.” When constantly weaving the world you know with various “shoulds”, you need to remind yourself: I am probably living in a false world.
8 A false self does not form a sense of existence
In the relationship, you and I are mirrors of each other, and I want to see that I am good from your mirror. When there is no confidence, I will tempt you to be nice to me by means of flattery, sexiness, power, dependence, etc. But when you get it, I will suspect that you are fake, because I am fake.
We have to be brave, come out with our true selves, and invest in relationships. We must also be patient, allow the other person freedom, and trust the other person’s spontaneous responses. True love, happens in my spontaneous reaction with you.
9 Treat others as part of yourself
When you are too sensitive to external evaluation, it inevitably involves a problem: the evaluation of others defines who you are to varying degrees.
If you care too much about external evaluations, you are still at this stage: the external world defines who you are. The higher stage is: you can define the world in reverse.
Many setbacks in life, such as lovelorn, job loss, divorce, etc., make us feel difficult. In addition to the actual difficulties, attributing these failures to “I am not good, so I have these encounters” is also caused the cause of your own pain. This phenomenon is very common, even the key reason. Once this attribution is dropped, the frustration quotient immediately increases dramatically. People with a high setback quotient will make internal attributions, but they are not self-denial.
There are two kinds of sensitivity: one is sensitively aware of oneself and others, but the self is unshakable; the other is sensitively capturing the attitudes of others towards oneself. Great turmoil.
10 only target syndrome
You follow your heart, not a goal, unless that goal is born from your own heart.
11 Are you a responder to your environment, or an active creator?
The active creator, with a clear will – wants the relationship to go in one direction. I raise my voice to you, and even if I don’t get the response I want, I will keep sending my heat. This way, it is possible for the relationship to develop in the direction I want. Such active creators can be seen in major historical events and various love stories.
Responders of the environment, or active creators? The key here is how to handle non-response. Environmental responders are sensitive to non-response and can easily interpret this as subjective malice. But this is mostly a misunderstanding. The other party may not be malicious, or even non-responsive, but the signal we send is too weak, and even we may not be able to receive it.
Proactive creators remain proactive in the face of non-response, and rarely interpret non-response as malice. Moreover, active creators can stand on the other side’s point of view to see the problem, which also reduces misunderstanding and hostility. Of course, there are also some active creators who will ignore the rejection of the other party. At this time, occasionally miracles can also be created.
12 Boundaries of the Self
How far one’s ego extends depends on the extent of one’s sense of control.
13 The Cohesive Self
Emotion and sex must complete various differentiations. Once some people have established a good relationship with another person, they immediately want to establish an ultimate relationship. This is also chaos and symbiosis. But when emotions and sex gradually differentiate, we will understand that there are too many manifestations of a good relationship, and only a very small number of relationships can reach the point where sex and love are combined.
Attributing, but not blaming, neither self nor others.
Blame, that is, things are not done well, because I am not good, or the environment is not good. Essentially finding the sinner (bad guy) who ruined the thing and destroying him (or it). One has to “go beyond” the feeling in order to attribute properly – to find the true cause of the frustration so that things can be improved.
14 Birth of the Core Self
When you can have something that suits you and makes you comfortable, it means that “I” is born.
15 Subjectivity
To really be able to say “it’s my choice,” you first need to learn to say “no.”
16 Where there is a problem, everything is
Try to let those seemingly bad experiences flow naturally, and at the same time let go of the judgment of good or bad, right or wrong, high or low, and you will find that the so-called “negative emotions” are as wonderful as the positive emotions.
18 Escaping from Your True Self
Killing libido (at least sex appeal), killing aggression, killing emotions and fiery emotions, and leaving only a good person shell, this is one of the most common ways to escape from the true self.
There are also less obvious ways to escape from your true self. For example, several clients will habitually lie, mostly innocuous. Worst of all, I just want to lie about anything. If we are aware, we will find that they are trying to keep a little distance between the self they present to others and the real self, so that others will not be able to hurt the real self.
19 Self-observation and self-awareness
Awareness is more important than good evaluations and correct suggestions.
20 Expand Your Awareness
Everyone’s current state of life is often the best state that his inner soul can present. This leads to an inference: if you only try to improve your external life state before your inner state of mind has not been improved, then this improvement may not be effective. Even, what is good to others may be poison to you.
Awareness is for flow.
Words are just a way of saying, to elicit your feelings and let them flow.
21 Honor Your Own Feelings
If you want to have a true self, you must respect your own feelings and let your heart and your feelings guide your life.
22 Find your true self
How many people grew up in chaos? Without real life education (such as how to love yourself and others), without education and role models in sex and love, without being taught to respect your own feelings, and without learning some necessary philosophies of life, just to live. And the clearest thing is to earn money and get ahead, and then to live like everyone else.
Self is the beginning of everything. Too much positive behavior is because I have the final say; too many negative behaviors are because you have the final say, and I can’t lose myself. Although we all want to pursue happiness and profit, if the price is a serious loss of self, we would rather not.
A person’s self should be such an integration—a well-developed mind, a sensitive body and full emotions, that is, the integration of body, mind and spirit. At this time, the self is the true self.
A person with a true self, you can feel his fullness, while a person with a false self, you can feel his dryness.
If you feel that your heart is broken and your life is miserable, how can you solve it? Two points are very important: first, know yourself; second, know yourself in an environment with love and acceptance of yourself, at least one person who loves and accepts yourself. A few extremely unfortunate people can complete self-knowledge alone, but most people need to know themselves in a warm environment.
It is best that people have been following their own heart and walking their own way, with understanding, companionship and support on the way, rather than various expectations of you, control, interference and shaping of you, or even “strong interruption” . The best life is all about being yourself.
23 Metaphors of life and death
The metaphor of life and death is hidden in the details of life. For example, if you only care about the outcome, then you are actually avoiding death anxiety. When the result is what you want, you feel life; when the result is not what you want, you feel death. Moreover, even if the result is as you wish, it is only a moment, so even if you enjoy the feeling of life, it is very short.
Except for life and death, they are all trivial matters, but metaphors of life and death are everywhere. The most basic sense of life and death is that you send out a motivation: if it is realized, it is life; if it is not realized, it is death.
If restraint becomes a basic tone of life, it means that dead energy is completely controlling you. However, if you live when you can live, and die when you have to die, then when you control (or adapt to) the energy of life and energy of death, people will live wisely and more freely.
The fulfillment of every wish is life; the failure of every wish is death.
24 The existence of life can only be “experienced”
The existence of life can only be “experienced”, not “thought”.
How much you like to judge may indicate how far you are from your own experience.
You can only experience that you exist when the feeling is flowing.
Talk to your other self about your dreams
Devoting yourself to what you love is not only to pursue the so-called “achievement”, but also to cultivate your own vitality.
1 Hero’s Journey
There is only one way to really solve the problem: to face the pain directly, to understand the meaning of the pain, to find the source of the problem, and grow from it.
4 frustration
The flow of great rivers and rivers inevitably has various obstacles and twists and turns, but they can still break through obstacles and rush to the sea. We also need to learn that our energy will continue to encounter various obstacles, but we can still break through and bypass these obstacles to our destination.
In an often unsatisfactory world, it is the real philosophy of life to continue to radiate enthusiasm and realize important dreams.
5 desire to create and desire to destroy
Psychoanalysis talks about both life and death, so it has extremely rich layers and textures, like a magnificent and extremely delicate epic, with extraordinary charm. —[ Love doesn’t know where it started, it goes deeper and deeper. The living can die, and the dead can live. Those who are born but cannot die, and those who are dead but cannot be resurrected are not the ultimate in love. 】
Destruction is a powerful force. We not only need to destroy our own hopeless things and challenge our own narcissism, but also destroy the unreasonable things others add to us in order to challenge other people’s narcissism.
Not only can we unleash our desire to create, but we can also legitimately unleash our desire to destroy.
6 Face your own “badness”
Unacceptable unhappiness in a relationship is because I worry that these “bad” things will destroy a good relationship. It is particularly difficult for people to face themselves as the initiator of unhappiness, because of a deeper worry: once they initiate “badness”, the good object will stay away from themselves, and they will not want themselves. But love is a deep understanding and acceptance, which naturally also includes the understanding and acceptance of these unpleasant or “bad”.
Learn early: the most important thing in the world is to take care of yourself first.
7 Stretch Your Energy Effortlessly
A benchmark of mental health is that you are comfortable stretching your energies.
People who cannot fully express their will can hardly sincerely support the reasonable choices of others.
A person must stretch his life according to his own will, no matter whether he succeeds or fails, he can constantly experience the feeling of his life touching other beings, thus constantly tempering himself.
Follow your feelings, live sincerely, and have rich collisions and connections with the world with your own body
Feelings don’t matter right or wrong. Talking about feeling right or wrong is because of two points: 1. I am worried that others (especially authorities) feel that my feelings are wrong. At this time, if I feel the flow of my own energy, I am afraid that I will be punished and ridiculed; 2. As soon as you express your feelings, you must pursue results and expect the world to be as you wish, otherwise you will feel that you have failed, and then you will have a huge sense of shame.
To follow one’s own heart and live according to one’s feelings, one needs the support of a nurturer at first, and then one needs courage and wisdom.
8 Boundary Awareness
When you can’t control your own rhythm and time is always occupied by other people’s will, people are prone to procrastination and messy rhythm.
Boundaries and independence, in fact, means not easily invading other people’s space, but also being able to strongly guard your own space.
10 The meaning of life lies in the choice
Be yourself, the full expression is: I choose, I am free, I exist.
11 What do you want?
People who especially want to live each day actively and effectively often have severe procrastination and are very decadent. Maybe it’s an unconscious pursuit of “I can be less anxious.”
“The first life is to live for others, the second life is to live for yourself.”
An important sign of self-growth is that you become more sensitive to your own reluctance and discover how easy it is to cater to others in situations of stress. Therefore, you no longer promise easily, but you can also refuse easily, and the important point will come – you can calmly and actively stimulate your own motivation.
13 Listen to your inner voice
Growth is best when our true nature emerges, changes, and develops in relationship.
14 “Negative energy” also needs to be expressed
Expressing emotions in a relationship is important, but you have to know that you are in charge of your feelings, you are in charge of your life, you are the source of everything.
Love is to accept what you are; excellence is essentially to get a better chance of survival. Therefore, there is such a heart-pounding truth: you will never be loved because of your excellence, you will be needed because of your excellence.
16 Thinking systems and visual imagery
Studies have found that imagining how to play tennis the right way is even better than actually training. Because in actual training, your movements still follow some of your own inertia, but imagination can avoid this problem.
18 Let go of the mind and trust the body
The thoughts that keep appearing in the mind and cannot be stopped for a moment are the most common defense against touching existence.
When one thing is done with body and mind as one, there will be a refreshing feeling, which nourishes vitality.
This article is transferred from: https://ljf.com/2023/05/26/1254/
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