“Her story is nothing more than a crush, the easiest relationship to preserve and the easiest to destroy in the world .”
This is a sentence from the novel “Secret Love • Orange Born in Huainan”. The movie based on the novel was released recently. After watching the movie, in order to soothe my heartache, I re-read the novel.
The heroine Luo Zhi has a crush on the hero Sheng Huainan. Sheng Huainan is the first in science. Luo Zhi tried hard to get the first in liberal arts, but she only dared to walk behind him silently. The secret lover seems to be holding a torch alone in the dark night, carefully caring for the flame to resist the cold reality, but not paying attention to the fact that the flame warms him and burns his body at the same time.
I must keep the light and heat of the torch | giphy
Why do wishful crushes happen? How can a crush make their life more comfortable without getting burned by the torch in their hand ?
Crushes can really hurt, physically
In English, the most similar concept to “secret love” is ” unrequited love “, that is, “unrequited love”, which can also be translated as unrequited love or unrequited love, a kind of love that cannot get the same return .
In 2013 Bringer gave five forms of unrequited love:
Five unrequited loves
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Like someone but not expressing their feelings because of some concerns
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Infatuation with someone who is not around (such as star chasing)
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pursue someone but get rejected
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Still in love with ex after breakup
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An unequal relationship (e.g. one partner is only for the purpose of having children)
The secret love in our daily life is the first form of unrequited love.
Daisy flower language: deep love | “Daisy”
Unrequited love is a common experience. An American researcher surveyed the experience of unrequited love or rejection of courtship in psychology courses, and found that within five years, 92.8% of people experienced at least one moderate or strong unrewarded relationship .
Other researchers asked college and high school students how often they had experienced different types of relationships in the past two years, and found that unrequited love was more than four times as common as romantic relationships.
That is to say, every time people see a happy love, there are 4 unrequited loves that quietly occur behind them .
Come on kid! There is still a long way to go in life! | giphy
Not everyone has been in love, but almost everyone has been in unrequited love. Unrequited love often brings complex negative feelings such as depression, sadness, pain, and low self-esteem. General unrequited love, followed by general heartbreak .
Unrequited lovers are invested in their feelings, but are ignored by those they like. When people realize that they are not valued by their unrequited lovers, and the desired social connection is threatened, they will experience very strong social pain (Social Pain).
Crush is heartbreaking | giphy
There are shared neurophysiological mechanisms between social pain and physiological pain. For example, when we feel rejected and rejected by the other party, the activity of the dorsal anterior cingulate gyrus increases, which is very similar to the activation pattern of brain regions caused by physical injury.
That is, we experience pain-related sensations even when no physical injury has occurred. The “heartache” of a crush is really painful .
So painful, why insist on unrequited love?
In unrequited love, the sweetness of fantasy is fleeting, and most of the time it is bitter at the bottom, but so many people like it, a classic study on unrequited love suggests three possibilities:
The potential value of maintaining a close relationship with this person
The greater the perceived value of unrequited love, the more intensely the fire of unrequited love burns. Just like Sheng Huainan in “Secret Love • Orange Born in Huainan”, who is talented, has excellent grades, and is kind-hearted, and is popular with school girls, Luo Zhi has a secret affection for the outstanding Sheng Huainan.
The possibility of developing a close relationship with this person.
The more likely it is to perceive a crush’s response, the deeper the unrequited lover is. In the movie “A Little Thing About First Love”, Xiao Shui was excited because senior A Liang knew her name. She studied hard, started skin care, joined many clubs, and every effort to make herself shine made her feel One step closer to Ali.
Feeling that even a simple interaction with a crush is a great reward and reinforcement for the crush .
I have become a school figure, you will like me | “The Little Thing of First Love”
The benefits of loving this person
If you have a crush for a long time, the crush will be infatuated with the feeling of crush, and will be moved by his grand crush.
In “Letter from a Strange Woman”, the heroine first saw the novelist at the age of 13 and began to have a crush on the novelist. But it was not until her son died 11 years later that she wrote a farewell letter to her crush. The existence of the novelist is special enough for her, even his gaze, she feels it is a caress for her, but the novelist knows nothing about it .
Your casual glance is mine for thousands of years | “Letter from a Strange Woman”
In the eyes of readers, the novelist is obviously an irresponsible “sea king”, but the heroine is still crazy about love, because what she loves is the feeling of falling in love with the novelist . This feeling has become her sustenance and the meaning of life, which can support her to live hard when she is down and down.
How a crush can make herself feel better
The vast majority of secret love, is not the happy ending of two people together.
The process of secret love is often ignorant and tortured . As long as it is not broken, there are infinite possibilities for secret love, and people can be immersed in fantasy without boundaries and ends.
Secret love is the start button that you press, so you should be able to press the stop button in your mind. But the reality is that the secret lover is already on his way, and it is difficult to stop. They are locked in a cage with passionate fantasies, the key is in their hands, and they simply cannot convince themselves to use it.
Painful crush be like | Tom and Jerry
Research has also found that unrequited love is more emotionally intense than mutual love, and it also brings more emotional turmoil . What can a crush can do to make themselves feel better?
Ask yourself a few questions
Crush lovers can try to answer these questions:
Secret Love Seven Questions
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What did I get, or hope for, in my crush?
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How likely are you to fall in love with a crush?
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Is it good for me to continue this crush?
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Do I often fall in love with a crush?
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Is a crush the only form of relationship I have as an adult?
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Has crushing become a pattern of my behavior?
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Is it possible to build relationships with family, friends, or others to meet my belonging needs in other ways?
Allen found that people with attachment anxiety or avoidance are more likely to fall into unrequited love , and they have a negative perception of themselves. The former want intimacy but are easily worried about being abandoned, while the latter will go directly to the root cause. Avoid close relationships with others.
People who are prone to falling into crushes repeatedly can review their upbringing and clarify their needs for intimacy, so as to build healthy intimacy.
In the aforementioned “Letter from a Strange Woman”, the heroine introduces herself as a “shabby accountant’s family, her father is dead”, and walking into the novelist’s apartment has become ” the best experience of her childhood “.
Her 11-year crush on a novelist may be related to her childhood neglect experience. She needs self-awareness, the love and support of her family and friends, and perhaps the help of a psychologist, in order to recover from her humble and painful crush. recover.
Improved perceptions of romance and less imagination of interactions
In 2022, Hu Mu’s research on Chinese samples found that the stronger romantic beliefs held by secret lovers, the more imagination they have of interacting and interacting with their crush, and the deeper they will fall into unrequited love .
That is to say, if the crush holds a series of idealized and beautiful ideas about love (such as “unrequited love is a highly romantic form of emotion full of aesthetic value”), it will more frequently make up the interaction scene with the unrequited love object , fascinated by the imaginary perfect crush, further making this unrequited love firmer.
If the crush finds that this unrequited love is unrealizable through the self-examination of the first part, or has a greater negative impact on themselves, and wants to say goodbye to this unrequited love, they can try to refute their unrealistic romantic beliefs ( For example, “Romantic unrequited love is an artistic creation, what I need is mutual love”), and when I found myself performing “Fantasy Little Theater”, I immediately stopped and gradually got rid of the unrequited love above.
After all, novels are just novels . After falling in love, finding out that the object of your crush “is more beautiful than you think”, it is a fortune that can be met but not sought after.
Laughing at yourself humorously makes you happier
Secret lovers can also look at the road they have traveled in a more joking way, and try to reinterpret their words and deeds by means of puns, ironies, metaphors, homophonics, etc., as Wang Xinling sang, “It’s no big deal to laugh.”
The 2021 study found that the burden of unrequited love reduces happiness, but a humorous coping style can effectively alleviate the negative impact of this burden on happiness.
The hard and hilarious road to secret love | “Monthly Girl Nozaki-kun”
Just like Sakura Chiyo in “Monthly Girl Nozaki-kun” trying to confess to her favorite Nozaki Umetaro, she could only get his autograph in the end, chatting with female classmates about “what a man gives means there is drama” At the time, she generously shared that she had received “signature colored paper”.
After a whole season, Chiyo’s heart (presumably) was not received by Nozaki, but this secret love is definitely a sweet and sour memory for her, not a painful struggle.
meet a better self
Whether it is a crush or other forms, love that can sustain and develop means self-growth .
In “Your Lie in April”, Kaoru Miyazono was attracted by the piano genius Arima Gongsheng when he was a child, and learned the violin in order to play with him. When Gongsheng was decadent, she bravely created a chance encounter, compiled a white lie, and took him out of the haze with her free and casual performance, bright and sweet smile, and warm and supportive company.
It took ten years of hard work before I dared to come to you | “April is Your Lie”
The psychologist Fromm summed up the common basic elements contained in various forms of love in the book “The Art of Love”. The first one is ” giving “, which refers to a person ‘s burst of vitality in love, and in love. Feel your own worth while actively paying attention to the life and growth of your loved one.
Whether it is a secret love or a clear love, unrequited love or a relationship, love should not be a burden . May your love for others be turned into a driving force for you to overcome difficulties and an interesting page in your life journey.
references
Arthur, A., Aron, E. N., & Allen, J. (1998). Motivations for unreciprocated love. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 24(8), 787-796.
Baumeister, RF, Wotman, SR, Stillwell, AM (1993). Unrequited love: On heartbreak, anger, guilt, scriptlessness, and humiliation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 377-394.
Bringle, RG, Winnick, T., & Rydell, RJ (2013). The prevalence and nature of unrequited love. SAGE Open 3(2), 1-15.
Greve, W., Hauser, J., & Rühs, F. (2021). Humorous coping with unrequited love: is perspective change important?. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 1-13.
Hu, M., Zhang, B., Shen, Y., Guo, J., & Wang, S. (in press). The roles of romantic beliefs and imagined interaction in unrequited love. Imagination, Cognition and Personality.
Hill, CA, Blakemore, J., & Drumm, P. (2010). Mutual and unrequited love in adolescence and young adulthood. Personal Relationships, 4(1), 15-23.
Shu Min, Liu Pan & Wu Yanhong. (2010). The existence of social pain: Evidence from physiological pain. Journal of Peking University (Natural Science Edition) (06), 1025-1031.
Author: Margaret
Editor: Emeria
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