an ordinary person like a mother

Original link: https://utopia.pursuitus.com/archives/4242

“The vitality you see in these ordinary women, you see their terrifying power, is often better than that of men. In the face of difficulties, in the face of adversity, in the face of life, there is destiny for them During various trials, the brilliance of these ordinary women is very scary to me.” After listening to Li Zishu’s speech “My life has been like this, it is precisely because I want to become A person who is the opposite of my mother”, she mentioned in her speech a lot of the past between her and her mother, all of which seem to have happened to me. Following her train of thought, I can’t help but think back to my mother in the process of growing up. very deep. During my childhood, my parents were not in harmony. My father, who entered the big city, and my mother, who had always been in the countryside, naturally had differences in concept. Coupled with the provocation of my grandma and uncle, who were already dissatisfied with my mother, when I was born The relationship had been broken up before. But why I was born again is probably because of my father’s usual indecision. After I was born, my mother brought me to the city with me. Perhaps out of machismo, or for some other reason, my mother did not go out to work. Therefore, my initial impression of my mother was always a cowardly family. housewife. Later, when the family suffered misfortune, people from the family often came to visit. When it came to my mother crying, the guests would tell me to work hard and be strong. At that time, I was also in the period of juvenile rebellion, and my grievances He had nowhere to vent his dissatisfaction, and his impression of his mother once became only crying. When I was in elementary school, my father attended the parent-teacher meeting, but after middle school, only my mother attended: she did not dress up like the mothers of other classmates, and the conditions at home were not allowed at that time; my mother only had a high school education, and As a housewife for a long time, she does not have a broad horizon, and she often “shows her timidity” when talking to others; in the past, when she was in the countryside, the head of the village and the end of the village used to shout loudly, and sometimes she couldn’t control the volume in public. It always makes me feel extremely embarrassed that the noise becomes the focus… I used to be so sensitive and inferior, caring about these small and meaningless issues, and sometimes I even a little bit reluctant to let her come to school. Since when did I start getting to know my mother again? My grandfather has 9 children, and my mother is exactly 5th. When she was in high school, the older brothers and sisters were already married, and they were all working for their own small families. The younger brothers and sisters were still young, and the main housework fell on her and her. On my second uncle, every day before dawn, I would get up to chop grass to feed the pigs, then walk a dozen miles to go to school, go home after school to cook and clean, go to the ground to harvest crops during the holidays, and go up the mountains to herd cattle, day after day. Later, because the family was too poor, and the aunt fell ill again, she could only give up her studies and start to pay for the family. Sometimes when I talk to my mother about her going to school, she will say that she did very well in school, she likes to play volleyball, she likes to sing, and she is also a good producer. It’s a bit like the heroine in “Hello, Li Huanying”. I heard that many boys in the class admired her, and her father would take the initiative to come to grandpa’s house to do farm work in order to pursue her mother. It is difficult to define whether this marriage with his father is a blessing. I’ve heard my mother say she regretted giving birth to me, and I’ve heard her cry and tell me that her life was such a failure. It may be a whimper, or it may be sincere. Some of my mother’s misfortunes were caused by my grandmother. It’s hard to understand how people can be so cruel, but it seems to be often seen in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in Chinese society: after marriage, they continue to provoke the relationship between son and daughter-in-law. She went to work in the fields, and asked her daughter-in-law to use cold water to do laundry in the subzero weather… I don’t know how my mother forbearance at that time. But thirty or forty years later, until now, when I mention these past events, my mother is a little bit gritted her teeth. When I was in middle school, I was deeply stabbed by a word from a classmate. At that time, because of the matter of dozens of dollars, my classmate naively asked me: “Do you care so much about money?” This scene is in my whole life. Adolescence was always coming and going, and I felt so embarrassed at the time. Later, when I think about it, I always think about how my mother saved my tuition and living expenses piece by piece through odd jobs. Her mother is not cowardly, she has the deep-rooted resilience of Chinese women, otherwise how could she re-enter society after her father left, and work hard to take up the family. Now my mother, although the Mandarin is still not standard, it sounds nondescript in the northern dialect, and sometimes she wears colorful clothes, goes to sing and dance, and attends colleges for the elderly; Compliment her good temperament, she will be very happy. It seemed that some of the hardships of the past had passed. She would complain that I didn’t want to talk to her about my thoughts, and we would quarrel over some things, especially when I didn’t want to talk about my plans to get married and have children. I sometimes think that my mother seems to be lacking some luck. Because of this bit of luck, she can’t go to college, have a happy marriage, can’t have a decent job, or even get old enough to have grandchildren. But what can I do? I may never be able to live up to her expectations. I also can’t fully understand her past, her youth, whether she ever had ideals. We are the closest mother and daughter, but we seem to be separated by thousands of mountains and valleys.

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