Original link: https://fourhappylions.com/post/coexist-under-the-same-roof/
Another year passed, and Senior Toddler had graduated as a Preschooler. With the increase of TA’s expressive ability, the threshold for communication is much lower, and now it does not need much care in life. But there is still a long way to go before there is no need for regulation at all. Here is a summary of the various attempts that we, living under the same roof as the Preschooler, have made in order to coexist comfortably with TA, and their results.
Ignore?
Sure enough, the big boss at this stage is still the behavior. However, behavior is a high-sounding speech. To put it bluntly, it is actually persuading the Preschooler to do what the adults want at the time they want. Every day, eating, sleeping, playing beans, everything needs guidance. And unlike toddlerhood (early), you can use other things to attract attention while holding them directly to take TA to do these things, and now Preschoolers have learned to ignore these instructions. A classic opening scene looks like this:
[Miki/Colin] “Preschooler, it’s time to eat, go wash your hands.”
[Preschooler] (doesn’t look up, picks up a new toy)
[Miki/Colin] “Preschooler, go wash your hands.”
[Preschooler] (silence, focus on toy in hand)
[Miki/Colin] (approaching)
[Preschooler] “NOOOOOO! I don’t WANT to!”
I urge to eat 3 times a day, sleep 2 times, take a bath once, many of them start like this. However, this starting method is not difficult to understand – when focusing on the task at hand, it is not so easy for anyone to immediately let go and do the unwilling thing. Generally, when the person being reminded is an adult, the waiting method of the reminder is asynchronous (async), that is, tell the TA to go away and do other things. After a while, the person being reminded will come over and report that he is ready. . However, if you think with your feet, you also know that if you use asynchronous reminders for a 3-year-old child, 100% of the parents will be driven crazy, and then they will use a higher level of violence unconsciously.
…off topic. In short, I have played a lot of this classic game and sorted out some experiences, which are roughly divided into two categories:
Avoid the above classic openings
- Informed in advance
This situation is generally used when there is no specific ETA while waiting for the adults to do something. For example, when playing in the Preschooler in the morning, say “wait for Dad to brush the Preschooler’s teeth”. If you can see the response of the Preschooler nodding or saying ok, it means that the TA is mentally prepared, and the resistance will be much lighter in the future.
- The three act together
It is suitable for collective motion, such as when you need to go upstairs to sleep and go out together. The way to do this is to say, “Then we’re all going out,” while asking the two adults to move towards the door together. At this time, the Preschooler will immediately follow. It can be considered to induce FOMO psychology.
- Timing with external force
Parents open their mouths and say “what must be done now” is indeed rather arbitrary and unconvincing. At this time, switching to an external timer can solve this problem. Just like the school has a bell, the objective time agreed in advance is easier to obey. For example, after dinner, everyone plays their own way, but the alarm clock on the mobile phone is set in advance and ends at 7:30. When the time comes, the Preschooler will take the initiative to pack up. Another example is eating too slowly, just playing and not eating. At this time, I will throw out an hourglass and let the Preschooler, that, feel the passage of time – in fact, at the dinner table, like shouting cheers at a sports meeting, urging the TA to take the next bite. After all, it is more atmospheric to have an hourglass as a countdown. Preschooler is also a master who doesn’t have blood and can’t play , and always waits until the hourglass is about to leak before slamming a few bites of vegetables.
Probably this kind of plastic hourglass that can’t be broken.
After the unfortunate opening in the above classic way, the way to break the game
- Seduce with something more attractive next
For example, when you eat, you can say that you can eat something delicious, so that the Preschooler will come over and wash your hands obediently. It can also be extended, such as brushing your teeth, it can be said that you can eat something delicious after brushing. In short, no matter how long it is, things can be connected as long as there is a time relationship or a causal relationship. This perfectly solves the “what if there is nothing attractive” problem. But it’s still not enough to make up things. If you say something good, you have to take it out later, so it’s a double-edged sword.
- enforce
Enforcement is still not the same as violence, the purpose is to carry out the original plan, not to punish – the difference is a bit subtle. Colin is the black-faced person in the family, because this person is more ruthless and can be tough when the Preschooler launches a mental attack (high decibel crying).
Education Law Successes and Failures
I saw a lot of them when I was pregnant and raising a baby in the early stage. All cats and dogs like to point out the parents in the name of “being good for the children”. Of course, there is no exception in the discipline of children. Consequence Dafa , Timeout Dafa , all kinds of phrases I can think of, plus the keyword parenting, go to Google to search, and basically you can find a post. If you have time, it would be fine to study these things, but now I probably have wasted time reading these theories. After all, once you have any Dafa on it, it can be thrown into the clouds. Ultimately it’s up to the parent to resolve the conflict. After all, disciplining children is a special case of communicating with others. People with strong communication skills will be more comfortable in disciplining children.
This is actually a practical application of Consequence Dafa: this level of protest can’t get what you want, or even the attention of parents. Nothing! (awful)
Recently, when a big boss was picking up people after school, he didn’t wear a Preschooler’s jacket, and he didn’t say anything about bye bye. He just slid open the double doors and ran to the parking lot outside the school. It was fun. I had to quickly pick up TA’s jacket or something and chase it out to make sure the guy wasn’t hit by a car. It’s been like this for two days in a row. After dinner that day, Preschooler ate Ferrero chocolate for the first time and said that he would like to eat it tomorrow. So I was asked three chapters, if I took my coat after school tomorrow and kept walking by my mother’s side during the process of leaving school instead of running into the parking lot, I would reward chocolates after dinner. Otherwise there is no chocolate. May I? Yes (nodding). So the next day after school the Preschooler managed to get compliments and chocolates.
The turning point is on the third day. On this day, the Preschooler may have played the game too much. On the way out of the school, he turned and ran 180 degrees three times in a row, and he thought it was very interesting. So I told TA that because I didn’t walk by my side all the time, there was no chocolate today. The Preschooler burst into tears on the spot and cried all the way home from the car. I was a little calmer at dinner, but every time I mentioned that there was no chocolate after the meal, I cried very sadly, saying “I want chocolate” while crying. So much so that I wondered if the Preschooler didn’t know why they didn’t eat it – after all, if you can’t understand the reason why there is no chocolate today, this practice is just a meaningless punishment, and it will not promote behavior modification. But I tried to explain many times why there was no chocolate today, and the Preschooler didn’t get to hear the whole sentence before crying again at the thought of no chocolate. Telling the TA “If you can tell why there is no chocolate today, I’ll give you chocolate” didn’t get the Preschooler to speak. In the end I just gave up. However, on the morning of the fourth day, the Preschooler seemed to calm down, and took the initiative to mention that there was no chocolate yesterday, and said that he would get chocolate today. I hurriedly repeated the agreed three chapters and again got the Preschooler’s approval. So for the week after that day, the Preschooler behaved to the level of getting chocolate every single day.
Heck, not sure what level of success/failure that counts. 
Angry at the Preschooler
Recently, my mental state is very bad, and it is gradually reflected in the time I spend with the Preschooler. When I was at the lowest level, I was annoyed even hearing the Preschooler’s voice, not only crying, but also the sound of talking to myself when I was playing. Especially when I pick up the Preschooler from school at the end of the day, ignoring the scene where I continue to play with the toys in my hand, it makes me feel empty every time, and there is no point in making this trip. After helping put on the jacket, take it out from school, and stuff it into the car with a full set of resistance, the sour frustration sitting in front of the steering wheel, no matter how many times I experience it, I don’t know how to digest it. .
The first time I raised my voice to speak to Toddler angrily, I can’t remember the reason why Toddler was frightened. I just remember being depressed for a long time after that. Frustrated that I have finally become the terrifying look my mother sometimes used to be when I was a child. And frustrated that there are only zero and countless times of such behavior, and then more and more of his personal depression will be vented on Toddler. And also frustrated that Yu Mingming knew all of this, but still failed to do anything to effectively resist this powerless reality.
Sure enough, it happened later. More than once. Recently, I was very frustrated when I got off work after a long day, and I dragged my TA out of the school door under the cry of the Preschooler in protest. I felt that the teachers, parents and children I met along the way were all watching, adding a lot of shame to the already sufficient amount of irritability, guilt, and self-abandonment.
But on the other hand, I’m not the only parent who is so embarrassed at school. The only ones I’ve seen are children rolling and crying, and children standing at the door while pushing the door and howling. This kind of embarrassing taste is probably also part of the difficulty of raising the little ones, and as a parent, it must be tasted.
However, no matter how complicated his mood is, every time, every time, Preschooler always smiles so heartlessly when he lifts up his chubby face. From this expression, I can’t tell if TA remembers that he was once used as a punching bag. If not remembering, or remembering and acting like not remembering, is this evolutionary choice? It’s a better choice for him and me, isn’t it? Let me go.
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