silent monologue

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△ 243|Speechless Monologue

I will set aside a special time every night to summarize today’s news and information. Tonight I saw a news with a title that has nothing to do with me, but I couldn’t help but click in and read it – the day when children with depression and bipolar returned to school Don’t get up, don’t go out.

As a result, I clicked into an article that had already determined the “crux”, mainly from the fact that children will inevitably experience day and night reversal and lack of energy after taking sedative drugs, and how parents should face such a situation. I originally wanted to find an answer from this article that I haven’t gotten – of course, an answer that I absolutely dare not ask my parents to help me find the answer.

I started from the second year of junior high school, and I began to be full of resistance to school. This resistance is not because I am not interested in learning itself, but I am disgusted by the process of attending classes and receiving education at school. But it is impossible to tell anyone about this situation, because it is completely against “nature” – a person’s child does not like to go to school, does not like to study, and does not want to be a person who is useful to society in the future, this is simply It is a situation in which a “death of a minor” can be directly declared.

Although I don’t like going to school, in fact, when I go to school every day, I will blend in with my classmates again, and there is no feeling of resistance at all. This sudden emotion only comes up every morning, and then after a day’s worth of battery drain at school, it goes into a very egoistic period of calm at the desk. I finish my homework very fast every day, so from 8:00 to 10:00 every night, I almost always “pretend” to study, sitting under the lamp, staring at the book, or listening to the radio without thinking about anything. Later, after high school had evening self-study, I still adhered to this habit of finishing my homework early (or if I was too lazy to do a certain homework, and waited until other students finished it), and then I would secretly listen to the radio with headphones on. , or staring at the homework on the table in a daze.

Sometimes, I would even say to the head teacher, “I’m not feeling well, I want to go home early”, I would sneak out of the school, sit on the busy street, observe everyone passing by, My life force is fleeting, I use Nokia’s nine-square grid to blindly output a keyword about this person, and then go home, I will look back at these keywords and stage a scene story in my mind. I have never dared to tell my family, probably even myself think that these behaviors of mine should only be described as “sick”.

I always thought I could be an actor, because during that strange period, I used to talk to myself or play several characters and say all kinds of lines in the script I constructed through those keywords. . In these scripts, the dialogue is the main line of the whole story. In a closed space, these characters can stage a complete story, because there are only lines, so the articulation of the words, the expression when speaking, and the priority of the lines will all have Differences like that. For example, I also immediately make several kinds of laughter squeezed out of my nose, such as sneering, helpless, sad and angry, a wife who looks at a sleeping husband and decides to run away from home tonight wants to see him The reluctant and doting smile at the last glance, the sneer of a man who has lost patience with his girlfriend when he hears the quarrel provoked by the woman again just mentioned the sneer that hits his heart and plans to break up…

But it is very difficult to write down these laughter in words, and sometimes I try to find the corresponding emotions and expressions in this self-talking plot. , Words and deeds to describe the most appropriate. That’s why so much time that should have been spent “studying hard” in order to become someone who can be more useful to society in the future is wasted.

Facts have proved that these small details do not seem to have much effect on the current life. Because no one would take the time to listen to me explain what the meaning behind each kind of laughter was, and that laughter needed a fitting analogy to describe it. Even if it was described, its meaning was far less than the real sneer of the man who had lost his patience with the other party – and maybe the woman would not be aware of this subtle change of mood, and continued her unreasonable troubles.

In the last five hundred days of writing, there were many similar fragment descriptions, an incomplete story, from a perspective that could not be more detailed, to describe the dialogue between the two people in that scene and the slight changes in the frown and smile. Thinking about it now, this is probably continuing to apply the “sickness” experience in my student days, and continuing to perform those strange one-man shows in my inner world that I still can’t get out of.

In the last 500 days of writing, I decided to finally use this “monologue” that was staged in my mind. I wrote the article “Exchange” . Originally, what I wanted to construct was that there was no longer any The story of the lines, the two protagonists of the story, the male protagonist has reached the limit and can’t say anything, and the female protagonist is ready to meet his death but there is some uncontrollable hallucination in his heart. That speechless monologue is a kind of “farewell ceremony”, saying goodbye to the style of talking to oneself for a long time in the past. (Although I can’t seem to get rid of it)

Speaking of this strange topic, I recently showed a few of the novels I had written before to my friends who were also blogging. After reading it, the other person gave me a description that I felt was very appropriate—similar to that in ” The “twelve-cell body” of artificial consciousness mentioned in “Secret Dreamland” seems to be a fixed form, but when I look at it all, I can see a person’s body in works from different periods. Experiencing the changes it brings to a person.

“The dialogue you like to write will make people very immersive and realize who said it, what tone and even what expression was used.”

“I’m not quite sure if this is an ability or a self-imposed limitation.”

“I think it’s a kind of ability. Not everyone is as keenly aware of other people’s emotional changes as you are, and certainly not everyone is as keen as you to be able to read the details you designed in the dialogue.”

“Indeed, I don’t leave much room for imagination.”

“But that’s precisely the magic of your scene description, that people build that picture in their minds.”

“Make a movie with words?”

“That’s right, that’s what it feels like, your words are like a movie storyboard.”

“Incisive! You wake me up. It’s the kind of movie storyboard manuscript that regulates the scene, the storyline, the actors’ dialogue, the costumes and even the emotions they will use to perform, but only One storyboard, it can’t transition smoothly to the next storyboard, and there is no way to connect them into a complete story.

“I don’t think I need to say any more, you already understand.”

“Indeed, because my wife said the same thing before.”

“Heh, man, in the end, I can’t hide the woman behind me.”

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